American Idol (Country & Philly)
This week it’s down to the grind. 2 songs per contestant. I thought they were gonna forego the country theme since (theoretically) it would heavily be biased in favour of a certain cowgirl, but that was not the case. I’m just gonna do a recap of the judges’ comments this week.
Carrie - Sin Wagon
Randy : Yo dawg. I know country’s your thang but you started off pretty rough.
Paula : I’m just gonna be a broken record and repeat what Randy just said.
Simon : It was effortless imaginging you singing that song, nekkid in the shower.
My verdict : Amy Adams owns you, you wannabe Dixie.
Bo - (some song by Travis Tritt)
Randy : Yo, my main dawg in the pound, it was good but I wanna see you howl
Paula : You make me wet but you gotta rise to the challenge.
Simon : Since you’re not a hot blondie, I’m just gonna say it’s boring.
My verdict : You didn’t even practise that song beforehand, did you, you lazy fucker? Having said that, I think you will be in the same league as Kid Rock and Uncle Kracker. Country rock is your way to go.
Vonzell - How Do I Live Without You
Randy : Something something gymnastics… something you still did your thing.
Paula : How are you feeling tonight? You are heartfelt, beautiful, you’re full of grace and dignity. Don’t let that bastard Corek Clark rumour get to you, girlfriend. Oh excuse me, Vonzell, I was talking to my compact mirror.
Simon : You’re incredibly nervous and emotional this week. Are you taking the same stuff Paula’s been taking?
My verdict : It wasn’t exceptional but I can’t really fault your performance, but what the hell is up with the croc tears?
Clanthony - I’m Already There
Randy : I have to give you props, man. It was great.
Paula : You don’t make me wet and you gotta rise to the challenge.
Simon : You are not there yet.
My verdict : Oh but he is. And he will end there too.
Carrie - If You Don’t Know Me By Now
Randy : Yo, it didn’t work for me, ho.
Paula : It’s… it’s just not the right song.
Simon : FUCK THE ARRANGEMENTS. I still want to father your children. *holds up middle finger to the band*
My verdict : Man, did someone put a hex on you this week?
Bo - For The Love Of Money
Randy : That sooo should be on yo record, dawg.
Paula : *orgasm*
Simon : Fantastic performance, you’d make Donald Trump proud.
My verdict : *orgasm*
Vonzell - Don’t Leave Me This Way
Randy : You can definitely sing. Mad props to America for voting you.
Paula : You took a risk and it paid off. I took a risk, and I’m gonna pay for that too.
Simon : You were too hyper on stage. But it made me wet. So that’s a good thing.
My verdict : Yeah, better than prim old LaToya alright.
Clanthony - If You Don’t Know Me By Now
Randy : Definitely a better version than the cowgirl’s.
Paula : Please nail me.
Simon : Thank God it’s a better arrangement, you soulless pale Russian.
My verdict : You sure have some balls to sing the same song as Carrie. Personally, I think it was your best performance yet. But that’s not really saying much.
Prediction : Bo will be safe. In danger of leaving tomorrow : Carrie (90%), Clanthony (75%), Vonzell (50%)
Amazing Race Finale
Romber lost. Ha! And that’s pretty much all that matters, really. To be fair, they were good racers. If they weren’t as devious, I would call them exceptional racers, but sadly, I think that’s how they really are in life. Anyone looking forward to Romber’s Wedding TV special at the end of the month? Heh. Not me. Be happy with all your Survivor and Amazing Race winnings (and endorsements from your forthcoming wedding special) then please, be gone. Seriously.
Uchenna and Joyce’s victory was one of the most positive edits in the entire series. It was really refreshing after the horrid finale we had from last season. Urgh. It was nice that Uchenna and Joyce tried their best to honour their promise to the cab driver when they are just metres away from winning the million dollars. It was also heartwarming to know that they are planning to use their winnings to help them start a family. So, yeah, I was pretty excited with the outcome of this season.
Ron and Kelly. Who cares. Fuck them both in the ears.
Well here’s to the next season. Not sure if I’m looking forward to it though since it will be a Family version. The only positive thing about it is that it has been confirmed that Poopert won’t be part of the race. Woohoo!
