Culturally Preconditioned

Astro’s doing a great job showing us delayed telecasts of American Idol, but can I make one request please? Can you please not taint this show by showing those useless, annoying advertisements for Akademi FanTURDia during the breaks? Seriously, the show sucks. The kids all clearly have mistaken this singing show as an acting audition. The judges try too damn much to be like Cowell. And what can I say about Gee and Roslan? It’s unfathomable how they can sit there and be ‘okay’ with this cesspool, after the brilliant talents that they’ve seen on the Malaysian Idol franchise. It’s a fricken sell out, that’s what it is and is totally unforgivable. Anyway, the theme for tonight is songs by No Doubt and those who have inspired No Doubt. How inspiring. Not. And I hate Gwen. So this was going to be a looooong night.

Lakisha Jones - Last Dance (Donna Summer)

Seriously, that is one cleavage that should have a warning sign on it that says “Smothering Weapons. Caution Advised”. It’s distracting and not in a good way. I honestly do think LaKisha is slightly overrated. As always, her vocal performance was top notch, but why does she always have the “look at me i’m singing now dammit” expression on her face? 7 out of 10.

Chris Sligh - Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic (The Police)

I got slightly physically exhausted after watching his performance. His pace was all wrong and predictably, he was panting like a thirsty dog throughout. Hideous. 2 out of 10.

Gina Glockson - I’ll Stand By You (The Pretenders)

Now, that’s what I’m talking about. Wow. That’s my girl Gina. That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear from her since Day One. She failed miserably with Alone (which I thought would really be HER song) but she did this song justice. I bloody love it. I might actually download this clip actually. 10 out of 10. Yeah, personally I thought it really was that great. I wouldn’t even care if the judges dissed it. I gave it a 10 before she even finished singing.

Mangina Malakar - Bathwater (No Doubt)

He should’ve sung I’m Just A Girl. It would’ve made a lot more sense. His performance tonight? Do you really want to know what I think? What in the fucking fuckety fuck was in bloody fuck was that? -21,000 out of 10.

Haley - True Colours (Cyndi Lauper)

Oh, no she didn’t. Bitch did NOT just destroy the most awesome song by Miss Lauper. First Nadia totally massacred Time After Time, and now this shit? You have got to be kidding me. Bleh. 3 out of 10. And FYI Haley, having annoying cunty friends in the audience that keeps shouting over the judges words don’t help either.

Phil Stacey - Every Breath You Take (The Police)

Nu uh. The Verses were sorely flat. I know he didn’t totally ruin this classic song but it sounded like just really good karaoke to me. It’s time like this when I wish Egghead Daughtry was still in the competition, cause at least he has some charisma going on. And for that, I hate you, Phil. 5 out of 10.

Melinda Doolittle - Heaven Knows (Donna Summer)

On one hand, I love that she’s singing an uptempo song, but I don’t know. I may just start to realize that her voice is well.. just too diva-ish regardless what she sings. The performance was nice but it was definitely my least favourite Melinda performance. 7 out of 10.

Blake Lewis - Love Song (The Cure)

I’m a huuuuuge fan of Blake……….. ’s song choices. Blake’s song choices = I wanna dry hump it. Seriously, he has great taste in music. As with all his previous performances, vocally, it was just terribly average. There’s nothing more I can add to that except that he did make the song sound a little more cool. 5 out of 10.

Jordin Sparks - Hey Baby (No Doubt)

I’m a Gwen hater and that song blows chunks. Jordin was such a huge disappointment for me to night. and it’s got nothing to do with the song itself. Her delivery was just paltry. I hate to say it but that’s how I feel. She still is my pick to win Idol this year though. But that was clearly my least favourite Jordin performance ever. 4 out of 10.

Chris Richardson - Don’t Speak (No Doubt)

That was surprisingly, well.. good actually. Quelle surprise. It definitely was not excellent but pretty good. Maybe it’s because he didn’t sound so whiny and nasally at all this time. And the R&B take on the song, like Randy said, was a nice touch. 7 out of 10.

Woohoo!!!! I loved loved loved tonight’s episode. Not only because of Schmirna’s domination of the leg, but a lot of nerve-wrecking moments, a lot of funny lines, but also perhaps one of the most mind boggling airport drama we’ve ever had in the history of TAR. A recap of last week’s episode, all seven teams arrived in Maputo, Mozambique where Ucheynna and Joyce were the last to arrive at the pitstop, incurring a 30 minute penalty in the next leg if they don’t come into first place. In order of their arrival from the last leg : Schmirna, Beauty Queens, Teri & Ian, Chas, Guido, Eric & Danielle and finally Ucheynna & Joyce.

At the start of the leg, they had to fly out of Mozambique and fly into Dar Es Salaam in Tanzania. Sounds easy? Wrong! All the teams were bunched up together at the airport and when the LAM Airlines opened their ticket counter, it was informed that the flight was full and everyone was on standby. There was a flight to Johannesburg with a connecting flight to Dar Es Salaam (but the connecting flight was full too). Schmirna took the risk and were the only team to fly out straight away to Johannesburg. And it was so funny watching Charla trying to persuade the ticketing agent with her ‘foreign English’ : “Why not possible? You just dial. Hit hit hit hit hit”. OMG. LOL. In Johannesburg, Mirna found her friend Christo who miraculously managed to help them get on the connecting flight, ensuring them that they’d be HOURS ahead of the remaining 6 teams.

Meanwhile, back in Mozambique, everyone on standby for the LAM Airlines earlier were denied seats because the flight was full. They were directed to South African Airlines, which too was full, and put everyone on standby mode.. yet again. Fortunately this team, some of the teams were able to board the flight. The Chas, Ucheynna & Joyce, Beauty Queens and Eric & Danielle. THEN, rather dramatically, Eric & Danielle were asked to leave the plane (after they boarded) because they “were accidentally given someone else’s seat”. Okay if that was me… I’d go fucking berserk right there in the plane. But since it was happening to the most loathsome pseudo All Star team.. then I say YAY!! HALLELUJAH! and what nots. I hate them.

So now, Eric & Danielle are back stuck at the Mozambique airport with the Guidos and Teri & Ian. Woohoo! The next flight was going to be the next morning. AND they had to be on standby yet again. OMG. Seriously.. all those standby would drive me batshit crazy! But I’ll take seventy billion airport standbys than being on standby for a stupid system that crashes for no apparent reason at 2 am in the morning every single fucking week. Stupid fucking computer system *composes self* But that’s for another story. Anyway, at that point I was already lost as to what time each plane leaves bla bla bla.. if I’m not mistaken, they were already a full day behind Schmirna, but whatev.

When teams arrive in Tanzania, they had to travel to the ferry terminal where they will take a traditional boat called dhows, and wait for their turn to sail to Zanzibar. How frickin exciting is that? Anyway, Schmirna arrived at the ferry very early but was declined for travelling because “a storm was coming”. YEAH RIGHT. The sky was frickin clear and they say a storm is coming? Come on. we all know the producers are trying to bunch up all the racers again. Anyway, they had to come again THE NEXT DAY (shows how much of a lead they had). For.fucks.sake.

The next morning, the Chas were the next to arrive so they got on the same boat with Schmirna to Zanzibar. I loved the conversation that the Chas had on the pier. And I was kinda surprised the joke that they made about “we’re working this bench.. you go somewhere else” was lost on Schmirna. Or have I just been hanging around sex workers and rentboys too much? LOL I thought that was hiLArious (yes, say it like you know how I would say it). Ucheynna & Joyce and the Beauty Queens shared a boat and they came in a couple of hours later.
The same day, back in frickin Mozambique the drama still is not over. Eric & Danielle were the only ones who successfully got on the plane, and Teri & Ian and the Guidos had to go on another flight.. AGAIN ON STANDBY. Seriously now. How many times is that? Four? Five? I lost count. They were dooooooomed.
Next was a detour between (1) Solve it - to put together 62 puzzle pieces and recreate the awesome picture, or (2) Schlep it - where they had to load two 50-pound logs onto a cart and deliver it to the shipyard. Surprisingly, only the Beauty Queens did the Schlep challenge (out of all people). Not much drama there. hey next had to go to Kikung Wi where the Masai tribe lives. They have to learn how to hunt by throwing a rungu and smashing a plate to reveal their next clue. The next clue revealed that the next stop would be the pitstop of the race.

The Chas were the ones who finished the Rungu challenge. But they stopped to buy fruits. I don’t even know what to say on that. Well, I know, but I can’t cause I love the Chas. Schmirna actually took over the lead as they went straight to the pitstop!!! Back to back first place finishes! Awesome. And of course, one of the funniest moments of the episode was when Phil announced that they just won a catamaran, and they were like.. .”duh.. wha..?” and Phil had to explain to them what a catamaran was.. and they quickly turned to “YAY! GLEE!”. OMGLOL!!! Love them or hate them, seriously, TAR All Star would be nothing without the Schmirna moments.

In the order of arrival : (1) Schmirna (2) Chas (3) Ucheynna & Joyce - still 3rd place after incurring the 30 minute penalty (4) Beauty Queens (5) Team WTF (6) Guido and finally Teri & Ian were the last one to arrive and were Philiminated from the race. Too bad. They were competent racers, and Ian was slightly more sedated this time around which made them more bearable.

And. Oh.my.god. The previews for next week had me fucking rolling on the floor. I can’t stop laughing seeing Charla get a face plant like that. I hope she’s not hurt but dude, that is fucking hilarious!!!! (image courtesy of A Dying Clown of Sucks)

And I thought I couldn’t love Mirna more but as I read the transcripts of her Insider clip on the official website.. how can you not love her? She actually dissed Miss Alli of TWoP (Television Without Pity). For those who doesn’t know, Miss Alli is a dictatorial moderator at TWoP who bans everyone who disagrees with her. And she HATES HATES HATES Mirna. And I’m a Suckster and there’s always been some sort of rivalry between the two boards… but I don’t care about that. I personally have nothing against TWoP posters but I just love the Miss Alli slam because she’s a Mirna hater, and Mirna throws this into her face. It’s not classy, I know.. but who cares? LOL

Transcript (courtesy of James Barber of Sucks):

CHARLA & MIRNA FRESHEN UP FOR PHIL

View Charla & Mirna Freshen Up For Phil on innertube now

With the help of a survival kit donated by a fan, Charla & Mirna get ready for Phil.

CHARLA: We’re headed to the pit stop to see Phil, and we’re excited cause we know we’re in first place right now, unless Donny [sic] and Oswald beat us there, which hopefully won’t happen.

MIRNA: I’m just going to get our Charla & Mirna survival kit, which some of our fans made for us. (combs her hair) When you’re going to a pit stop you should always try to look your best. (combs Charla’s hair) That’s hard to do, but we’re gonna try it. A little bit of rouge never hurts. (Charla laughs)

(cut to after the pit stop)

MIRNA: We had a race survival kit and at the very end we did a touchup before the mat. You know how that is. Little perfume here and there, lipstick, brush the hair a little. It’s a really nice survival kit.

(cut)

MIRNA: Actually, that survival kit came from a website that hates the hell out of us.

CHARLA : It’s Television Without Pity.

MIRNA: It’s run by that fat-ass woman who’s a real bitch.

(cut)

MIRNA: Miss Alli. Miss Alligator. She gave us the race survival kit. (cuts her eyes and smirks) That’s like a little nod to her.

CHARLA (mutters): You’d better say some nice things.

MIRNA (high pitched voice): Miss Alli the race survival kit.

CHARLA: Then you named your cat after her!

MIRNA: I didn’t - it’s not my cat. It’s an adopted cat, it’s my husband’s cat. (Charla laughs) I named my cat after you, woman! Please don’t be mean.

and oh yes, I am still in mourning.. especially after watching the countless TARA2 advertisements calling for auditions during the show.

I didn’t watch the episodes leading up to the Top 12, so it was a good surprise to see who made it onto the Top 12 last week. My only surprise was seeing Jared go, but honestly, the guys do not make a single difference this season. Can’t say I’m surprised to see Brandon go last week. His performance really was week and I never saw him going far in the competition. Well, on to this week’s show : British Invasion. Can I just say that LULU is one of the best guests the show has ever seen? I love her. She gave really good advise to the contestants and she can actually really sing it.

Haley Scarnato - Tell Him (The Exciters/Billie Davis)

I told you she’s like McPhee-lite. Well tonight her ‘outfit’ certainly drives that fact home. It wasn’t painful to hear (and watch) but it might be her best performance to date (that’s not really saying much). But I loved Simon’s “you naughty little thing” comment. 5 out of 10.

Chris Richardson - Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying (Gerry & the Pacemakers)

For the first time, I could actually hear him sing. It was a rather pleasant performance, but the whiny, nasally quality is still there. What’s going on? Both Haley and Chris are giving us decent performances so far! 6 out of 10.

Stephanie Edwards - Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying (Gerry & the Pacemakers)

I can’t seem to get Fantasia out of my head when I see her on stage, so I might sound biased. I didn’t like the way she dragged her words. I wish Lulu had given her the same advice that she gave to Haley. It could’ve been so much better. 5 out of 10.

Blake Lewis - Time of the Season (The Zombies)

I want to dislike him, but I just can;t. His so-called ‘vocals’ have not improved at all. The beatboxing was, again, a very nice touch but I’ve almost grown completely out of it. It would work great in a talent competition, but to quote Simon ‘this is a singing competition’. Yeah right. More like a popularity contest. That said, I’ll be very surprised if he doesn’t end up in the Final Four. 5 out of 10.

LaKisha Jones - Diamonds Are Forever (Shirley Bassey)

I’m not reallly a huge fan of LaKisha. I just can’t quite put my finger on what’s bothering me about her. I honestly don’t think I would like her at all, if she didn’t sing And I’m Telling You in the first round 3 weeks ago. However, I do think the song tonight was a perfect song choice for her. 8 out of 10. Oh, can I just say that one could drown in all that cleavage?

Phil Stacey - Tobacco Road (The Nashville Teens)

I don’t like Phil. He kinda looks like an alien. But truthfully, out of all the guys left in the competition, I feel that he’s the strongest, vocal-wise. But tonight’s performance? That was just bad, dude. At least it looked like he had a lot of fun, before getting the boot tomorrow. 4 out of 10.

Jordin Sparks - I (Who Have Nothing) (Shirley Bassey/Tom Jones)

Love her hair tonight. How can this girl NOT have a boyfriend already? And her performance? OMG. I totally loved it. Definitely one of the best performance this season. She needs to be in the finale, y’all. 9 out of 10.

Sanvagina Malakar - You Really Got Me (The Kinks)

This guy/girl/it/creature bothers me mucho. So much. Okay, so I absolutely loved his Signed, Sealed, Delivered during the auditions, but I did not like a single Idol performance from him/her/it so far. They are all just icky. Given the choice between watching his performance and the performance from the current batch of the Akademi Fantasia/Akademi Menangis/Akademi Drama/Akademi Haus/Akademi Lemau, well.. I would have to choose Death. 0 out of 10.

Gina Glockson - Paint It, Black (The Rolling Stones)

She sounded bland and flat for most of the song, which is a shame. I’m kinda disappointed because I actually like Gina. I don’t know. She might be in trouble tomorrow. 4 out of 10.

Chris Sligh - She’s Not There (The Zombies)

I love his personality, but that’s just not enough. For one thing, I think he should burn in the fiery depths of hell for turning a classic last week, into a Coldplay sounding FILTH. It was just slightly better this week (only because he didn’t wreck the song), but it’s never good when the audience can hear you gasping for air. 5 out of 10.

Melinda Doolittle - As Long As He Needs Me (Shirley Bassey)

BAD hair choice cause it kinda accentuates her nostrils. It’s a mean thing to say but it’s true. Looks don’t really matter to me though (as evidenced from my love for the bastard child of a leprechaun and a monkey from last season - Elliot). Anyway, ZOMG her performance blew all others out of the water (well, maybe except for Jordin). I absolutely love Melinda. Love her. But this photochop below really did make me laugh out loud. A lot. 9 out of 10.

And yes, I am still very much pissed about not being able to send in an audition for The Amazing Race Asia 2. Seriously? Biggest disappointment in my life. Biggest. And to a certain someone who says “takde rezeki” for us to be on this show, well there’s a huge difference between “tak ada rezeki” and “tolak rezeki”. You have no idea how much this means to me. No fucking clue (not that I’m surprised).

I missed the last two Amazing Race episodes (one of them.. the best episode ever in TAR history! Romber getting Philiminated. Woohoo!) but now I’m back! It was nice to see them go to an exotic place (didn’t really know Ushuaia was the last stop before Antartica! And I bet not many of you know that JB is the southernmost city of mainland Asia. It’s a fact, dude!). It was kinda surprising to see Romber, who were first in the first three legs of the race, go from being first to last (and eliminated!). I guess that goes to show that anything and everything can (and will) happen in this race.

The team’s first task of the leg was unique and interesting. They had to use an avalanche beacon to find their next clue buried in the glacier. The team’s placement in the previous leg didn’t really matter since the place opens at 8 am, so all the teams were bunched up again together.

The clue tells them that their next destination was Maputo in Mozambique. Africa, baby! I think this might be the first time that all teams were given flight tickets by the producers (since there were not many flights going out of Ushuaia), but they were able to get earlier tickets on their own, just in case. Not surprisingly, all of the teams were able to get their hands on another flight which takes them to Maputo almost six hours earlier. Good job!

Their first task in Africa was to go to the Apopo Training Field and get up close and personal with a ginormous rat (which I thought was kinda cute). They needed to get a trained rat to find their next clue in the ground. I laughed out loud at the Rat named Tupac! LOL. Nothing amazingly went on there. They then had to direct their drivers to Praca Dos Summin on Nuffink in the city where they faced another detour.

Their detour (1) Pamper - get nail polishes and give manicures to the public and get a total of 30 cents or something (2) Porter - pack 10 bags of coal with approximately 45 lbs each, then deliver one of the bags to another destination. Charla & Mirna, the Beauty Queens and Teri & Ian all performed the nail polish detour, which was a very very smart move. The rest of the teams did the coal packing challenge. I was surprised to see how incredibly difficult that was compared to the manicure challenge.

After the detour was done, they had to head towards Fortaleza, the oldest building in Maputo, and more importantly the pitstop of this leg of the race. In the order of their arrival (1) CHARLA AND MIRNA - OMGWTFYAY!!!! (2) Beauty Queens (3) Teri & Ian (4) The Chas (5) Guido (6) Eric & Danielle (7) Ucheynna & Joyce. Fortunately for Ucheynna & Joyce, this was a predetermined non-eliminated leg. However, they are now marked for elimination, which means if they don’t come in first in the next leg, they will have to incur a mandatory 30 minute penalty. I always thought this is one of the harshest penalties ever, but also at the same time, it gives you an extra drive to get into first place cause you know your ass is on the line. I bet they’ll definitely go for the Fast Forward if there is one next week.

No new thoughts on the teams. I still love Charla & Mirna. Hate them or love them, they are TV Gold! The Chas are adorable. Ian seems to be slightly mellow this time around. The BQs, well they’re okay. I just wish they wouldn’t butt heads so much with Charla & Mirna. The Guidos I could care less. And actually ditto Ucheynna & Joyce. Eric & Danielle.. my hatred knows no bound for this team. They’re just a couple of douche I can do without.

Anyway, that’s it. A pretty subdued entry. Just slightly miffed cause there’s no way in hell I can get myself a new Amazing Race partner in less than 10 days. (Let’s all root for Romeo, y’all!). I knew Survivor would be the only good thing for me.. because that’s an INDIVIDUAL game. I guess life likes to throw you a curveball when you depend too much on another person. Oh well, SHIT happens…

and then you die.

I’m back. Actually I have been back since last Wednesday but was too lazy to post (well I had to catch up on LOTS of tv shows). The vacation was great. I might post some sort of travelogue later. There’s just too many damn pictures to sort through, but can I just say that TWO WEEKS is just not enough to cover a lot of Australia? I only spent a couple of days in Sydney and the rest in Melbourne. A couple of highlights from the trip :

1) The Mardi Gras in Sydney

2) Koko Black’s Chilli Hot Chocolate (simply divine)

3) Losing my 2-month old Cybershot handphone and getting it miraculaously returned 24 hours later

4) The Moomba Waterfest in Melbourne

5) Krispy Kremes

oooh and (6) getting cheap organic vanilla pods back home. Yay!

Anyway, I was quite surprised to see the final 12 of American Idol. What the hell happened to Jared? I knew Brandon was gonna get Gideoned, but whatever. They MUST stop this 6 boys 6 girls shit next year. The guys SUCK! Survivor Fiji is getting too depressing to watch. One team just keeps losing and the other team, well.. despite their wins, they’re the most idiotic mind numbing morons I’ve ever seen on the show. Nothing surprising out of the Amazing Race (and major KUDOS to Romeo for posting the crossed out list!!! OMG). Romber got their comeuppance, but you gotta admit they were really good during the first 3 legs. Speaking of TAR, applications for Amazing Race Asia 2 is out … and I have less than 11 days to get the video done and sent to Singapore. Fuck. Wish me luck.

I’ll be taking 2 weeks off from updating this blog.. cause it’s vacation time! My first proper fucking vacation since 1998.

The only downside to this vacation is being away from my cats *sniff* and the hundreds of tv shows that I will need to download upon my return (Survivor, TAR, American Idol, Ugly Betty, Heroes, Jericho, Supernatural, Desperate Housewives, Ghost Hunter, porn, etc)
See you bitches in two weeks!~