Culturally Preconditioned

Woohoo!!!! I loved loved loved tonight’s episode. Not only because of Schmirna’s domination of the leg, but a lot of nerve-wrecking moments, a lot of funny lines, but also perhaps one of the most mind boggling airport drama we’ve ever had in the history of TAR. A recap of last week’s episode, all seven teams arrived in Maputo, Mozambique where Ucheynna and Joyce were the last to arrive at the pitstop, incurring a 30 minute penalty in the next leg if they don’t come into first place. In order of their arrival from the last leg : Schmirna, Beauty Queens, Teri & Ian, Chas, Guido, Eric & Danielle and finally Ucheynna & Joyce.

At the start of the leg, they had to fly out of Mozambique and fly into Dar Es Salaam in Tanzania. Sounds easy? Wrong! All the teams were bunched up together at the airport and when the LAM Airlines opened their ticket counter, it was informed that the flight was full and everyone was on standby. There was a flight to Johannesburg with a connecting flight to Dar Es Salaam (but the connecting flight was full too). Schmirna took the risk and were the only team to fly out straight away to Johannesburg. And it was so funny watching Charla trying to persuade the ticketing agent with her ‘foreign English’ : “Why not possible? You just dial. Hit hit hit hit hit”. OMG. LOL. In Johannesburg, Mirna found her friend Christo who miraculously managed to help them get on the connecting flight, ensuring them that they’d be HOURS ahead of the remaining 6 teams.

Meanwhile, back in Mozambique, everyone on standby for the LAM Airlines earlier were denied seats because the flight was full. They were directed to South African Airlines, which too was full, and put everyone on standby mode.. yet again. Fortunately this team, some of the teams were able to board the flight. The Chas, Ucheynna & Joyce, Beauty Queens and Eric & Danielle. THEN, rather dramatically, Eric & Danielle were asked to leave the plane (after they boarded) because they “were accidentally given someone else’s seat”. Okay if that was me… I’d go fucking berserk right there in the plane. But since it was happening to the most loathsome pseudo All Star team.. then I say YAY!! HALLELUJAH! and what nots. I hate them.

So now, Eric & Danielle are back stuck at the Mozambique airport with the Guidos and Teri & Ian. Woohoo! The next flight was going to be the next morning. AND they had to be on standby yet again. OMG. Seriously.. all those standby would drive me batshit crazy! But I’ll take seventy billion airport standbys than being on standby for a stupid system that crashes for no apparent reason at 2 am in the morning every single fucking week. Stupid fucking computer system *composes self* But that’s for another story. Anyway, at that point I was already lost as to what time each plane leaves bla bla bla.. if I’m not mistaken, they were already a full day behind Schmirna, but whatev.

When teams arrive in Tanzania, they had to travel to the ferry terminal where they will take a traditional boat called dhows, and wait for their turn to sail to Zanzibar. How frickin exciting is that? Anyway, Schmirna arrived at the ferry very early but was declined for travelling because “a storm was coming”. YEAH RIGHT. The sky was frickin clear and they say a storm is coming? Come on. we all know the producers are trying to bunch up all the racers again. Anyway, they had to come again THE NEXT DAY (shows how much of a lead they had). For.fucks.sake.

The next morning, the Chas were the next to arrive so they got on the same boat with Schmirna to Zanzibar. I loved the conversation that the Chas had on the pier. And I was kinda surprised the joke that they made about “we’re working this bench.. you go somewhere else” was lost on Schmirna. Or have I just been hanging around sex workers and rentboys too much? LOL I thought that was hiLArious (yes, say it like you know how I would say it). Ucheynna & Joyce and the Beauty Queens shared a boat and they came in a couple of hours later.
The same day, back in frickin Mozambique the drama still is not over. Eric & Danielle were the only ones who successfully got on the plane, and Teri & Ian and the Guidos had to go on another flight.. AGAIN ON STANDBY. Seriously now. How many times is that? Four? Five? I lost count. They were dooooooomed.
Next was a detour between (1) Solve it - to put together 62 puzzle pieces and recreate the awesome picture, or (2) Schlep it - where they had to load two 50-pound logs onto a cart and deliver it to the shipyard. Surprisingly, only the Beauty Queens did the Schlep challenge (out of all people). Not much drama there. hey next had to go to Kikung Wi where the Masai tribe lives. They have to learn how to hunt by throwing a rungu and smashing a plate to reveal their next clue. The next clue revealed that the next stop would be the pitstop of the race.

The Chas were the ones who finished the Rungu challenge. But they stopped to buy fruits. I don’t even know what to say on that. Well, I know, but I can’t cause I love the Chas. Schmirna actually took over the lead as they went straight to the pitstop!!! Back to back first place finishes! Awesome. And of course, one of the funniest moments of the episode was when Phil announced that they just won a catamaran, and they were like.. .”duh.. wha..?” and Phil had to explain to them what a catamaran was.. and they quickly turned to “YAY! GLEE!”. OMGLOL!!! Love them or hate them, seriously, TAR All Star would be nothing without the Schmirna moments.

In the order of arrival : (1) Schmirna (2) Chas (3) Ucheynna & Joyce - still 3rd place after incurring the 30 minute penalty (4) Beauty Queens (5) Team WTF (6) Guido and finally Teri & Ian were the last one to arrive and were Philiminated from the race. Too bad. They were competent racers, and Ian was slightly more sedated this time around which made them more bearable.

And. Oh.my.god. The previews for next week had me fucking rolling on the floor. I can’t stop laughing seeing Charla get a face plant like that. I hope she’s not hurt but dude, that is fucking hilarious!!!! (image courtesy of A Dying Clown of Sucks)

And I thought I couldn’t love Mirna more but as I read the transcripts of her Insider clip on the official website.. how can you not love her? She actually dissed Miss Alli of TWoP (Television Without Pity). For those who doesn’t know, Miss Alli is a dictatorial moderator at TWoP who bans everyone who disagrees with her. And she HATES HATES HATES Mirna. And I’m a Suckster and there’s always been some sort of rivalry between the two boards… but I don’t care about that. I personally have nothing against TWoP posters but I just love the Miss Alli slam because she’s a Mirna hater, and Mirna throws this into her face. It’s not classy, I know.. but who cares? LOL

Transcript (courtesy of James Barber of Sucks):

CHARLA & MIRNA FRESHEN UP FOR PHIL

View Charla & Mirna Freshen Up For Phil on innertube now

With the help of a survival kit donated by a fan, Charla & Mirna get ready for Phil.

CHARLA: We’re headed to the pit stop to see Phil, and we’re excited cause we know we’re in first place right now, unless Donny [sic] and Oswald beat us there, which hopefully won’t happen.

MIRNA: I’m just going to get our Charla & Mirna survival kit, which some of our fans made for us. (combs her hair) When you’re going to a pit stop you should always try to look your best. (combs Charla’s hair) That’s hard to do, but we’re gonna try it. A little bit of rouge never hurts. (Charla laughs)

(cut to after the pit stop)

MIRNA: We had a race survival kit and at the very end we did a touchup before the mat. You know how that is. Little perfume here and there, lipstick, brush the hair a little. It’s a really nice survival kit.

(cut)

MIRNA: Actually, that survival kit came from a website that hates the hell out of us.

CHARLA : It’s Television Without Pity.

MIRNA: It’s run by that fat-ass woman who’s a real bitch.

(cut)

MIRNA: Miss Alli. Miss Alligator. She gave us the race survival kit. (cuts her eyes and smirks) That’s like a little nod to her.

CHARLA (mutters): You’d better say some nice things.

MIRNA (high pitched voice): Miss Alli the race survival kit.

CHARLA: Then you named your cat after her!

MIRNA: I didn’t - it’s not my cat. It’s an adopted cat, it’s my husband’s cat. (Charla laughs) I named my cat after you, woman! Please don’t be mean.

and oh yes, I am still in mourning.. especially after watching the countless TARA2 advertisements calling for auditions during the show.