Culturally Preconditioned

It’s been yonks since I last wrote a proper movie review… and I’m not about to start now. LOL These are more vents than anything, cause we all know how good I am at finding faults in others. I WILL get a lot of flack from this but screw all you haters! (Please don’t let my editors come to this blog!).. it’s just that since The Prestige last year, I don’t think there’s a movie out there worth reviewing (other than Pan’s Labyrinth - but I was way too lazy at the time. I still am, actually.. but I’m still wondering if the butchering  our censorship board did to this movie was way brutal than the fuckers did in the movie).

I mean, look at the local movie scene. Horror movies are being churned out faster than the liquid turd that goes through the rectum of a sneezing someone having fits of diarrhea. I’m a big horror movie fan. From A movies to B movies to the should’ve-gone-straight-to-the-incinerator-without-having-the-possibility-of-ending-up-on-Cinemax  movies, I WILL watch them all. I don’t know why. It’s a sickness. And even worse, I would actually PAY tickets to watch these at the movies. God help me. So far, we have Puaka Tebing Biru, Chermin, and the most recent blockbuster Jangan Pandang Belakang.. and we have Susuk coming up, as well as Waris Jari Hantu and the anticipated Dukun (watch the trailer here). Notice I didn’t include Zombie Kampung Pisang in that group? Well, if they can’t even come up with a decent horror story, I doubt they are ready to do a localized version of Shaun Of The Dead.

Puaka Tebing Biru was really weak (the only pull was the controversial “semi-nude” Fahrin shots) . Jangan Pandang Belakang was a huge disappointment. Bitch please, I’ve had scarier encounters during my boarding school days (but I have to give credit to the one single most scary bit in the movie - where Opah greets her grandson from the city - totally sent a chill down my spine). Box office success does not equal quality, I’m sorry. What they did right was the marketing aspects of the movie. The trailer was somewhat scary enough to pull  superstitious folks into the cinema, only to find themselves wondering “why the fuck didn’t they do that in the first place?” at the end of the movie. I’m all for supporting local movies, but I will never ever watch any movies by David Teoh or Prof Mohaideen ever again (I keep saying that, but I know I’ll watch them anyway. You know, it’s like.. I’m always attracted to trainwrecks). I mean, I’m all for supporting the local movie industry, but I’m not about to be all politically correct and cover filth with golden leaves or anything.

Chermin, now there’s one good movie out of the bunch. A huge kudos to all that was involved in making the film. The film was beautifully shot and the haunting story was somewhat okay. If I have any gripe with this movie, it’s Deanna Yusof’s delivery of her lines in Malay. She’s a good actress - her facial expressions are really good (and she’s drop dead gorgeous) but please next time, someone give her an English speaking role. You’d think she’d improve since the infamous “Siapa yang malu? Mereka dan keluarga mereka” line a decade ago, but you’d be wrong. Urgh.. but she’s just another part of the movie. I would say this might be the best Malay movie I’ve seen this year. (And yes, that’s taking into consideration Yasmin Ahmad’s Mukhsin - which I thought, although it was brilliantly executed, it felt like a whole lot of self indulgent on the director’s part, and dude don’t even get me STARTED on Cicakfuck. I hate that movie with a passion. Excellent technology totally wasted on a filthy script).

Okay enough on the local scene. As for this year, I thought The Reaping was quite good, although the twist did give me a Wicker Man feeling (fucking Nicholas Cage ruined the remake.. that asshole). I read a reviewed that kinda trashed The Reaping. Oh well, to each his own, but I was surprised to hear that she was disappointed that the film had no actual storyline to start with. I can only find myself snickering over that. The Reaping? As good as the underrated The Skeleton Key. The Hills Have Eyes 2 - well if you’re into gorefest, you won’t be disappointed with this one, of course. And it is better than the original Hills Have Eyes sequel (I told you I watch all kinds of horror movies).

And this brings me to 28 Weeks Later. W00t! I was so looking forward to this movie cause I absofuckinglutely LOVED 28 Days Later. I don’t think the movie had been released locally, has it? Anyway, if you haven’t seen the original, 28 Weeks Later, probably won’t make much sense to you.. and you’re more than likely go out of the cinema thinking “WTF? What’s the bloody point of this movie?”. LOL I don’t blame you. Even though I personally think this sequel is enjoyable, I can’t help but feel the director somehow didn’t manage to tell the audience the awesomeness.. i mean, the dangers of the RAGE virus. You’re probably not going to fully understand where the desperation comes from for the survivors if you haven’t watched the first movie. If you have, I’d say this movie is not going to disappoint you. Much. anyway. I actually thought the movie felt kinda short. And I think some people might possibly get some motion sickness (if you’ve seen the original, you’ll know what I mean). I liked the ending, but I can’t say that you did’t see it coming. I wonder if they’ve shot an alternate ending to this one, like they did with the first movie. Not as good as its predecessor but I’d still give this show a B+ (but if I haven’t, I’ll probably give it a C). You have been warned.
So what’s the horror movie next on my horizon? I don’t know. Perhaps any M Night Shyamalakar film that has a starring role by.. that’s right..  M Night Shyawatchamacallit. Scariest thing ever.
ps. oh my, have I gone link crazy with this post or what?