Culturally Preconditioned

First up, let me say.. The Transformers Movie? A+++ Hands down, it is by far the best movie I’ve seen this year. I’ve never had so much fun watching a movie at the theaters. Maybe it was partially due to the overwhelming audience participation (cheerings and clappings throughout the movie). I must say, that I’m not a huge Transformers fan (Visionaries > Mask > Voltron > Thundercats > Gummi Bears > Smurfs > Transformers > all other 80s cartoon), but I’m a HUGE FAN of this movie. Absofuckinglutely loved it from start to finish. (DISCLAIMER : but Batman Begins is still far more superior than this).

Okay, I’m writing this post cause I haven’t been exceptionally inspired to write anything, so I’ll be taking a short hiatus from blogging. I’m looking at a period between 1,2 or maybe 3 months, as I have an amazing side project planned - which if all goes as planned will come to fruition this November.

But before I go.. a couple of rants and FUCK YOUs going out to certain people :

1) FUCK YOU Mandy Moore for releasing the ultimate filth that is your so-called song EXTRAORDINARY. The only thing extraordinary about that song that I can think of, are the number of cheese crusted cocks you have to blow at your record company to have that record out. FUCK YOU. The ’song’ is not even remotely as annoying as Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles. The melody is something that only a pre pubescent kindergarten girl could come up with, your play with falsettos wins the whatthefuckareyoutryingtoprove award of the year, your lyrics are too fucking cheesy that the only other thing on Earth that is even more cheesier than that are Kiera Knightley’s freedom speech in Pirates 3, your voice sounded more frial than ever, and FUCK YOU for making Ashlee Simpson and other teenybopper cumguzzlingcunts on the radio far more superior than you.

2) FUCK YOU Mika or whateverfuckyourname is with your Relax Take it Easy icanonlysinginasqueakyvoice  song. Asshole.

3) FUCK YOU Shuhaimi Baba for Waris Jari Hantu. No I am still not over that.

4) FUCK YOU to gum chewers who can’t chew with their mouths closed. It’s one thing to see your gross chewing, it’s another when I can smell that ‘minty fresh’ smell when I’m standing at least 5 feet away from you. Inhaling those nasty chewing saliva atom/zarah/ion/whateverfuck all the way from your mouth into my respiratory system is something I could do without.

5) FUCK YOU if you’re one of those idiots who have to contemplate and hesitate for more than 3 seconds at the escalator, when there’s a steady stream of people coming behind you. How retarded are you to not know exactly when to step on the escalator? Mind fucking whore idiots.

6) FUCK YOU Platinum Sudoku for making me stay up well over an hour or two at nights trying to solve the puzzles.

7) FUCK YOU to all the kepohci about the whole Sharifah Amani botak stint for the new movie. So she’s bald.. so fucking what? And being botak is not exactly earth shattering. V for Vendetta, Gi Jane.. hello? It’s been done before. Get over it.

8) FUCK YOU to Isaiah Washington for calling the race card over the whole ‘faggot’ incident. Don’t get me wrong, I think TR Knight’s an ugly poof and can’t act either.. but this Washington asshole keeps digging himself into a hole, doesn’t he? Dumbass.

and finally..

9) FUCK YOU to all people who just can’t see the lighter side of things and keeps finding fault in others. In other words, I’m also telling myself to fuck off.

And with that, I shall.

No that is NOT cheese. It’s the signature Chocolate Durian dessert from Just Heavenly Cakes.  After weeks of reading about Nigel’s desserts and cakes from, I don’t know, the thousands of food blogs out there, I finally managed to try it out today, having the day off from work. We read quite a number of less than desirable reviews on the nearby Chef & Brew, so we were reluctant to eat there at first. But since Nigel’s cake shop was just opposite the restaurant, we soldiered on because we just HAD to have the cakes. Sure enough the desserts are top notch. I’m really looking forward to their new creations. Yum. Yum. Yum. As for the food at Chef & Brew, I don’t think it was that bad. It’s actually palatable. Okay la.. although the burger that I had pretty much compels me to make my own meatloaf again sometime this weekend. Anyway, don’t worry, I’m not going to turn into another flogger.. Don’t think I’m gong to write on food stuff much after my stint with Fine Restaurants & Villas magazine.

I’m here to write on two cheesy reality shows that’s currently on the air this summer. The first one, Hell’s Kitchen, stars the (in)famous British chef, Gordon Ramsay. Those who have seen his docu/reality cooking shows on Discovery Channel would know that he’s got a mouth on him. In terms of nasty commments, I’d rank Ramsay >>>  Cowell > Izad. Hell’s Kitchen is currently on it’s third season in the States and the first episode just aired last week. This is my first time watching this series, but I’m guessing it’s just one of those reality cooking shows like Top Chef (which I absolutely love and will start it’s 3rd season next week).

Hell’s Kitchen started off pretty innteresting, with Ramsay mouthing off to the contestants within the first minute of their meeting. They were all ordered to come up with their signature dishes pronto! - which led me to think that if I was ever in their position, what would MY signature dish be? I’d probably make my classic lasagna or a portobello burger - I can only imagine what Ramsay’s response would be if I were to serve him my true signature dish - Gulai Ayam Asam Pedas! Anyway, during Ramsay’s initial ‘judging’ one of the contestants almost fainted because she was a total nervous wreck, worrying what Ramsay would be. Can I just say WOW?

Oh and we have loads of drama on this show. And I thought Akademi Fantasia was bad! We have contestants crying the Yang Tze River on this show. And that guy in that picture? Wow. All Ramsay asked him was “Aaron, how are you feeling?”  and he fucking broke down and cried!! LMAO. He wasn’t even provoked or anything by Chef Ramsay. The fear totally got to that guy.. he totally wouldn’t last a minute in a boarding school I tell ya. You know it’s a good show when the host tells the contestant “Get a fucking grip!!”. LOL

Oh yeah there goes the waterworks again. And again, Chef Ramsay wasn’t even saying nasty things to him! LOL Oh dear lord help me get through this show. I fucking love it. Anyway, the show divides the teams into men and women, and each team had to work together in separate kitchens to prepare dishes for Hell’s Kitchen’s guests. One of the teams would be considered a loser, and the team supervisor nominates two team members for elimination - with Chef Ramsay finally sacking one of them. This aspect of the show is different from Top Chef - first off, the chefs weren’t judged on their cooking (this time) but rather how they handle themselves in the kitchen, and secondly there were nominations for the bootees.

The premise of the show itself seems a little weak for me, compared to Top Chef, but I will be watching it to see how far Aaron will go in this game, and also just to watch the fouled mouth Gordon Ramsay at work. Oooh and also, I think the top prize for Hell’s Kitchen is tenfolds better than Top Chef.

Another cheesy reality show that’s a must see is Mark Burnett’s new Pirate Master. I think it’s meant to be a summer replacement for Survivor, but the show is oh so fucking cheesy. It’s so bad that you just have to watch it for yourself. LOL.  The premise of this show is 16 ‘pirates’ (aka. Survivor applicants rejects) is on board a pirate ship. They are set to sail finding treasures all over (they are given new maps every week). Every gold buillion that they get during each week, they get to keep and use after the game. I’m still a little unclear on the actual rules of the game, cause I believe it is not fully revealed to the contestants and the viewers as of now.

The teams were divided into two, and the winning team gets the weekly treasure. They next had to choose a captain. After choosing the captain, the captain chooses two right hand man. It was only then revealed that the captain gets to keep half of the treasure -  but he can use it however he wants (keep it or distribute it or use it for bribery etc). The rest of the crew becomes his wenches. At the end of the episode, the captain nominates 3 crew members to be ‘cut adrift out at sea’ (LOL!) and the rest of his wenches votes on who they want to cut adrift. However, should every one of his wenches choose to vote the captain out (a mutiny) , then he will be ‘cut adrift’ and a new captain will be chosen. Confused? So am I.

The show looks promising. It’s a mix between NBC’s Treasure Hunters, Survivor and Big Brother all rolled into one. What makes this show so cheesy was the entire role playing. The mascara.. LOL the eye goop is just disturbing. And The lines are so rehearsed, you can’t help but laugh. Okay here’s an exchange between one of the nominees for the boot AND the captain during Pirate’s Court (aka Tribal Council) - transcript taken from realitytvworld’s recap :

“I have to say that for myself, I know why my ass is on the line, and it’s because I did not vote for Joe Don (the Captain) when the treasure was split up… When the rest of my crew said they wanted him to be the Captain.  That makes me dangerous and it says subversion and all sorts of things, and he’s been defensive about it the whole time,” explained John.  “Basically, I do think the Captain should go, and I have a very convincing argument for it.  These compasses are your only compasses.  They’re your only navigational aids.  I have them.  If I go, they go… Do you really want Louie to go?  Do you really want Joy to go?  Do you really want to lose the compasses?  Or, do you want to send-off the guy who took $20,000 and gave everybody else additional duties and zero dollars for doing that duty!?  Maybe consider the Captain should have been the one receiving the Black Spot.”

With John’s case clearly made, J.D. responded.  “At night, the Big Dipper points to the North Star,” he said, attempting to show off his navigational skills.  “You know where north is, you know where south is, you know where east and west are.  During the day, you put a stick in the mud, it casts a shadow.  Mark the end of that shadow, wait 30 minutes, it will cast another shadow.  Draw a line between the two, and you have east and west, and you know what north and south is.  I don’t need your compasses… And I don’t need you.”

It seemed that John (the nominee) stole the compasses so that the crew won’t vote him out. LOL as if the producers are going to let the crew go ahead without giving them new compasses. Anyway, after the Captain’s statement, John asked the Captain so which way points north. The captain looks up in the cloudy sky for an eternity and said “I don’t know” (cause the sky was cloudy that night). LOL. I know!

And for what it’s worth, this is John :

Scientist/Exotic Dancer.. OMFGROTFLMAO!! You can’t make that shit up!!!! LOL LOL LOLLLLgasm. Anyway, I’m definitely tuning in to watch this trainwreck of a show. At least until Top Chef and Big Brother starts for the summer.

Movies Galore!

I’ve been keeping myself busy with movies lately, now that most reality shows on television has ended it’s respective seasons (but I’m still looking forward to Pirate Masters, Top Chef 3, Hell’s Kitchen and Big Brother to air). With blockbuster month, and the French Film Fest in town, I have been a really busy busy bee at the cinema. Unlike last year, I only took one day off from work to catch them all. Here are some short reviews of the movies (will upload screenshots of the movies later)

Pirates 3

Let me put it this way. Pirate Masters (the new reality show by Mark Burnett) >>>> dogshit >>>> watch Danielle and Eric win Amazing Race again >>>>> forced to have sex with Miss Alki of TWoP > Pirates of the Carribean 3 > being forcefully bonded by company. I blame it on high expectations going in. I hate to admit it, but the movie’s twist and turn made me feel dumb with a capital B. I wanted this Pirates movie to be a carefree, visual effects, funny witty lines extravaganza, but the many many unnecessary and useless subplots made me hate this movie. AND we only get to see Savvy Sparrow 50% of the movie. Where’s the fun in that? And Kiera Knightley’s motivational speech should win her a Raspberry Award. Let’s hope we’ll see more Sparrow and his wit in the fourth installment. If there is one, that is. 4 out of 10.

Shrek 3

One of the movie reviewers from The Star said it best. Shreak 3 is a prime example of a movie that just doesn’t know when to quit when it should. The jokes are recycled, the storyline seemed to have been written by a 6 year old, and the new characters are just boring. I honestly dozed off for a good 5 minutes during the movie. Mike Myers should’ve stick it with Austin Powers and Fat Bastard. 3 out of 10.

Spidey 3

A lot of people have been saying Spidey 3 sucks. What can I say, I actually didn’t hate the movie. The movie has allowed itself some self indulgence, what with the whole Emo Peter parker scenes and all. The two added characters/villains in this movie was a nice touch, but I could do without 70s Eric’s acting and Sandman pitiful sob fucking story. The movie tries to bind everything up in the end, but it seemed rather forced and cheesy. I did however, enjoy, the storyline that didn’ make me wreck my brain trying to figure out what in flying fuck is going on, the visual effects and whatever minute character development in Peter Parker, Mary Jane and Harry Osbourne. That said, I do think it’s a good time to retire our webbed friend. 7 out of 10.

I Don’t Wanna Sleep Alone

I watched the critically acclaimed movie by Malaysian born Tsai Ming Lian out of curiosity. I mean, getting a 93% fresh rating on rottentomatoes can’t go wrong, right? Well, I might be dumb, but at the end of the movie, I was totally blank on what the movie was trying to achieve. As much as I want to be pretentious and go “wow.. that movie was so deep”, I just can’t. Was it being too artsy? Too simple? Too metaphoric? Too tongue in cheek? Who knows? I simply did not enjoy the movie, cause I just couldn’t figure out, other than friendship, what the director was trying to tell us. Maybe I’m just that dumb. I simply did not get it. 2 out of 10.

The Namesake

I absolutely loved Mira Nair’s Monsoon Wedding, so I went into this movie with slightly high hopes. Once again, Nair returns to her roots in India, which is always fun if it’s done right. Like Monsoon Wedding, it follows the story of immigrants and how they are attached to their homeland no matter how far or how long they’ve been away from it. The Namesake refers to the birthname of an American-born Indian, Gogol - which interestingly enough refers to Russian writer Nikolai Gogol, which the viewers will only find out near the end of the movie how the nam came about. The pace seemed slow but there was no point in rushing through this movie. The cinematography and background music is amazing. An amazing delivery by Mira Nair, and I can’t wait for her next one. 8 out of 10.

Mon Meilleur Ami (My Best Friend)

One of the best French drama I’ve seen. No make that one of the best dramas I’ve ever seen. Reminiscent of last year’s Men’s Heart, but slightly better, this movie tells a story of friendship between two men - a loner, loser and miser in the form of an antiques dealer and a walking encyclopedia in the form of a taxi driver (who reminds me of know-it-all Charlie from Heroes). I still can’t make out how the French have managed to pull off male bonding stories like this without having it sounding or looking too gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), or being overtly feminine and touchy feely. How I wish, one day our film industry would be able to produce something even remotely like this. The movie isn’t too deep, too complex and too serious, but it certainly drives the point home. Easily one of the best movies I’ve seen this year. 9 out of 10.

La Science Des Reves (The Science of Sleep)

A story that meshes between fantasy and reality, it revolves around a young Mexican artist, Stephan, played by Gael García Bernal - the talented Mexican actor who starred in gems like Bad Education and The Motorcycle Diaries (mark my words, he will be the next one to watch in Hollywood). The story has a surreal take on Stephan’s perception between his current work at the calendar printing company, and his crush on his next door French neighbour. His aloofness in the movie is endearing but weird doesn’t even begin to describe this movie, which is a shame because Gael’s talent (and character) seems to be totally wasted in this movie. Piffles. 5 out of 10.

La Vie En Rose (La Mome)

An autobiography loosely (I think) based on the life of France’s best foreign export to the musical world, Edith Piaf. The film chronicles Edith’s life, starting with her poor upbringing, on the streets and in the den of a whore house (sad, but true), to her singing on the streets, and getting discovered, and the rest is, as they say, history. I personally find the movie, a tad boring. To tell you the truth, I’d rather see Evita again. Another beef that I have with this movie is that I can’t find myself feeling any compassion towards the main character. Not even an iota of sympathy. They may have wanted to portray Edith as a misunderstood diva with a troubled past, but all that went through my head was why-wont-you-die-quicker-you-annoying-cunt. It’s a pity cause her life story really did some colourful, but sorry, that’s how I feel about the movie. But I have to say Marion Cotillard shined in the title role. 6 out of 10.

Mon Petit Doigt M’a Dit (By The Pricking of My Thumbs)

This is a French adaptation of one of Agatha Christie’s crime story. Not being a fan of Agatha Christie (such blasphemous statements by a writer, I know), my expectations weren’t high going into this movie. The movie turned out to be a delight in terms of quirky characters, but the plot - the revelation and resolution of the mystery was somewhat just average to me. The movie starts with the deaths of several occupants of an elderly home. The curiosity of a relative led her to investigating an old abandoned house which holds a secret that has been keep for a generation. The story does indeed have it’s share of black humour and spontaneous dialogues, but as a murder mystery, unfortunately personally it falls a little short. 5 out of 10.

Je vous Trouve Tres Beau (You Are So Beautiful)

An interesting take on mail order brides. A farmer loses his wife and he is left to tend his farm alone. It’s funny seeing how the farmer is more sad that no one is there to take care of the farm, than the loss of his wife. A suggestion led him to flying to Romania, a place where many women are waiting for arranged marriage to get them out of poverty, to find himself a new bride. And so he does. What started off as mutual beneficial agreement (only on his side) grew to affection and ultimately love. The pace for the story is slow, and they flow of their growing feeling seems a little flawed in parts, but in the end, it’s just a non conventional love story that will leave you going ‘awww‘ in the end. 7 out of 10.

Fauteuils d’orchestre (Avenue Montaigne)

This story combines a confetti of characters that takes place in a hall on a weekend where a play, an arts exhibition and a concert rehearsal is taking place. The play substory follow the trails of a high profile television star who is trying to break out of her mold, doing theaters and movies. The arts exhibition focused on the estranged relationship between a father and his son. Whereas the concert rehearsal tells a tale of a disgruntled pianist, who is thinking of giving up performning, and his relationship with his manager. All the separate lives are entwined by the presence of a cheerful, naive and cute blond waitress. The story in itself, like a lot of other French dramas, is about nothing except the daily going ons and lives of random people. And like a lot of other French dramas too, this one works. 6 out of 10.

Hors De Prix (Priceless)

OMG I fucking love Audrey Tautou. I loved her in Amelie and I love her even more in Hors de Prix. Her character has turned a complete 180 in this movie. Tautou plays Irene, simply put, a gold digger who only have eyes for rich guys. Somehow, she ended up in bed with Jean, a hotel staff whom she thought was a millionaire. Irene loses interest, and Jean continues to pursue her. The movie has it’s surprising turn of events, which I shall not say here. Basically it all ends up to the question of whether can money buy happiness and love. Does this movie answer that question? That basically depends on your personal interpretation to the age old question. Set in amazing Cote d’Azur (which I only have fondest memories of), with amazing actors (Tautou is a goddess) and an interesting storyline (which is close and dear to my heart), I can not but give twenty thumbs up for this movie. Even watching the trailer makes me want to watch this movie again. 10 out of 10.

The WhatInFuckingShit

Waris Jari Hantu

Azean Irdawati’s acting is superb, as always, but that’s about it. I came in to this movie with the preconception that it was going to be a horror movie on ’saka’ (which is real, I tell you, REAL!). I knew one of the characters was that of an effeminate man, but I had to idea 90% of the movie was going to be focused on the trials and tribulations of a transvestite. For fucks sake. The horror bit didn’t even have anything much to do with this whole movie at all.. it just sorta ties up things in an ‘asal boleh’ kinda way. I mean, bravo and congrats to Shumi for trying to make viewers see their side of things (being unaccepted in the community bla bla fucking blah), but why is she guising behind a so-called horror movie, to present what could’ve been an actually decent drama? Cashing in on the horror fad, no doubt. Shame on you. Shame. on. you. You have successfully completed the Prof Mohaideen-Patrick Teoh-Suhaimi Baba trifecta. FOR SHAME. 1 out of 10. (disclaimer : if this movie was marketed as what it really wanted to showcas, I’d possibly give it a 7 out of 10). ps. there ARE a lot of ’saka’. We have that tiger ’saka’ in the movie, and we have hundreds of ’suckers’ in the audience. Myself included