Culturally Preconditioned

Sorry for my week’s absence. There was a family emergency and I had to return to JB for the entire week and was cut off totally from the internet. Didn’t think I could do it - but I did. Didn’t have time to watch the shows last week, and not going to bother downloading the show - although I am curious to hear someone sing Me and Mrs Jones (sexiest song ever) from last week. Anyway, we’re back this week with the best Idol theme ever - Music from the 80s!

Luke Menard - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go (Wham!)

can’t believe this guy survived the last 2 episodes. Love the song (LMAO at Dame Sally Markham singing Jitterbug in Hello Britain).. but still not a fan of his voice. Btw he looks like the bastard child of Orlando Bloom and Hugh Jackman - but looks ain’t gonna cut it (for me, at least). 4 out of 10.

David Archuletta - Another Day In Paradise (Phil Collins)

Hmm interesting.. I actually liked his rendition of this song. Yeah, this kid is going to be Final 4, for sure. The (faux?) piano playing was a nice touch, but he’s gotta be careful on the eye-fucking though. His comments about the song being about the homeless had me laughing for a bit, because images of that self entitled British wannabe asshole came to mind. 8 out of 10.

Danny Noriega - Tainted Love (Soft Cell)

Ah yet another wonderful 80s classic. Is it just me, or was his voice drowned out by the music? Can’t comment much on that except bravah for being himself. You go, gurl. 5 out of 10.

David Hernandez - It’s All Coming Back To Me Now (Pandora’s Box)

Wow.. one of the few male contestants who actually pulled off a ‘Celine’ song. It wasn’t mind blowing but it was pretty good. And I ave to comment on the whole stripping at the gay club thingy. What the hell is the big deal, and why is anyone actually surprised by it? He looks the part, and I’d be surprised if he actually didn’t do what he supposedly did. 7 out of 10.

Michael Johns - Don’t You (Simple Minds)

I just like this guy. And bonus points for picking a song from The Breakfast Club. His performance was on par with his previous ones (including the auditions and Hollywood sessions). Nothing spectacular, but I enjoyed it. I keep wondering if he’d do better in Rockstar than on this show - cause if it comes down between Archuletta and him in the Final 2 - who do you think the Americans will vote for? 8 out of 10.

David Cook - Hello (Lionel Ritchie)

Nope.. personally, the guitar riffs were distracting. He sounded horrible in the beginning, but thankfully picked up midway through..and faltered again with the inappropriate yelling. Nope. He should’ve been gone before this. 5 out of 10.

Jason Castro - Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen)

Hmm the only song that I’ve never heard of before tonight. But it was a sweet and tender performance. I like his voice and that’s not going to change. If there’s any dark horse in this competition, I’m really hoping this will be the one. 8 out of 10.

Chikezie - All the Man That I Need (Linda Clifford)

What?? He’s still in this competition? For real? But his performance tonight was a thousand times better than the one from Top 12. That was nice. Very nice, indeed. 7 out of 10.

Final Rankings for this Round :

1. Michael Johns (8/10)
2. David Archuletta (8/10)
3. Jason Castro (8/10)
4. David Hernandez (7/10)
5. Chikezie (7/10)
6. David Cook (5/10)
7. Danny Noriega (5/10)
8. Luke Menard (4/10)

All in all a very satisfying episode - but that Luke person nees to go the fuck home ASAP. Can’t wait to see what the girls will bring tomorrow. MAN I LOVE MUSIC FROM THE 80S!!!!

And it’s official. The girls are way better than the guys in this competition (as always). And Ryan is a little obsessed with Simon Cowell (as always). Stick Insect should shut the fuck up, do his job and not fawn over Simon after every round. Anyway, Song from the 60s continues tonight with the ladies.

Kristy Lee Cook - Rescue Me (Fontella Bass)

Such a well-known song, but I have a feeling it would’ve been better performed by someone else. She sounded too sweet for this song (And I wrote this before I heard Simon’s comments). And what the fuck is that thing that she do with her eyes - bulging out like that? It’s distracting. 5.5 out of 10.

Joanne Borgella - Say A Little Prayer (Dionne Warwick)

Voluptuous is now my new favorite word. She didn’t oversing this anthemic classic, but I was somehow expecting something out of the ordinary. Nothing exceptional about her performance, but yeah it was still alright. 6 out of 10.

Alaina Whitaker - More Today Than Yesterday (Spiral Staircase)

Wow.. this is helluva lot better than CHikadees yesterday.. how poignant. It is indeed more (better) today than yesterday. I wasn’t impressed with her prior to tonight, but I kinda changed my mind now. 7.5 out of 10 and +1 point to her dad for giving Simon an icy death glare from the sidelines.

Amanda Overmyer - Baby, Please Don’t Go (Them)

Damn I love this girl. Rocker chick’s got the pipes to carry any rock and roll tunes, and she fucking knows it. Le sigh.. this totally brings back Dilana memories. 8 out of 10.

Amy Davis - Where The Boys Are (Connie Francis)

She pulled off the 60s look but that’s pretty much it. I know she was going for the smoky, country voice thingy but unfortunately she failed miserably. 3 out of 10.

Brooke White - Happy Together (The Turtles)

I don’t know why but personally, she’s just not pleasant to look at. There’s just something psychotic, devious and creepy about her.. it’s weird. I know that’s a mean thing to say, but I never hold back on saying what I think. She’s got a singing voice, but that performance .. well in my honest opinion, I thought it was pretty shitty. Not a fan. 5 out of 10.

Alexandrea Lushington - Spinning Wheel (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

ohmahgad.. I love her. Her voice so crisp and clear and yet so powerful at the same time. She’s got an awesome stage presence, and is definitely the token diva this season. 8 out of 10.

Kady Malloy - A Groovy Kind Of Love (The Mindbenders)

Oh, I wasn’t aware that this was a song from the 60s (oh fucking sue me, granny). It was a slow as hell of aperformance but she didn’t completely put everyone to sleep like some people (I think). She kinda went overboard with the harmonics though. 6 out of 10. And +2 points for her for the uber excellente Britney impersonation.
Asia’h Epperson - Piece of My Heart (Janis Joplin)

Her voice is awesome. In small doses. You can only endure so much of the serak basah-ness. I wish they’d stop pimping on her father’s death though.. that is so going to get annoying soon. 7 out of 10.

Ramiele Malubay - You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me (Dusty Springfield)

Should I be prepared to get crucified if I make negative remarks on Ramiele? Cause you just know I’m going to be called a traitor and anti-Asian and all that shit. This is ssooooooo going to be Camille/Jasmine-redux all over again and I’m hating it. On the bright side, she’s actually better than the two, but IMO definitely not the best of the night. 7 out of 10.

Syesha Mercado - Tobacco Road (The Nashville Teens)

Okay, she just upped herself up from Alexandrea. A better sounding Nadia Turner. She is, however, a self confessed mactor. Ick. I just hope she’s not going to shout all the way through this competition. But as for tonight, me likey. 8 out of 10.

Carly Smithson - The Shadow of Your Smile (Tony Bennett)

For once on this show, the overpimping is completely justified. I love this girl. She’s in a completely different ball game than the rest IMP (even though the ending.. terkedu kejap). 9 out of 10.

Final rankings for this round :

1. Carly Smithson (9/10)
2. Syesha Mercado (8/10)
3. Amanda Overmyer (8/10)
4. Alexandrea Lushington (8/10)
5. Alaina Whitaker (7.5/10)
6. Asia’h Epperson (7/10)
7. Ramiele Malubay (7/10)
8. Kady Malloy (6/10)
9. Joanne Borgella (6/10)
10. Kristy Lee Book (5.5/10)
11. Brooke White (5/10)
12. Amy Davis (3/10)

The girls are completely running this show.. and you all better know it. I won’t be making any reviews for the results show (as usual).. but at this point in time, I don’t really have a solid favourite.. so I don’t really care who goes home (except Michael Johns and Carly Smithson). And I’m posting this just because I can.

Well the new season is here upon us again. This show is one of the few shows on TV that I try not to miss, however bad it gets. They’ve shown us the auditions and the Hollywood rounds for the past few weeks, and we’re now down to the Top 24. And here they are (pictures courtesy of justjared)

Back Row L-R: Alexandrea Lushington, Robbie Carrico, Jason Castro, Danny Noriega (striped shirt), Brooke White, Amanda Overmyer, Michael Johns, David Cook (bandana), Luke Menard and Carly Smithson (standing far right).

Bottom Row L-R: Chikezie Eze, Colton Berry, Asia’H Epperson, Kady Malloy (seated, black dress), Joanne Borgella, Ramiele Malubay, David Hernandez (seated, front), Amy Davis, Alaina Whitaker, Syesha Mercado, Jason Yeager, David Archuleta (seated), Garrett Haley and Kristy Lee Cook.

Well tonight’s it’s the Top 12 guys, where this week 2 guys will be cut out from the show. Who will it be? Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just glad that fake British wannabe titty sucker Josiah didn’t make it this far into the show. This week’s theme is Music from the 60s. Good call that they’re putting this snoozefest of a theme out of the way so soon into the competition, so we don’t have to endure it later down the line.

David Hernandez - In the Midnight Hour (Wilson Pickett)

Dude can sing and is pretty easy on the eyes. It’s always hard to judge the first singer of the season. And does he remind anyone else of David Rocco? 6.5 out of 10.

Chikezie - More Today Than Yesterday (The Spiral Starecase)

How can you not love a guy with a name like Chikezie? Well that’s what I initially thought anyway. He didn’t sound so flattering with his lower registers, despite his long note at the end. I especially didn’t like him mouthing Simon off. There’s a place and time for that, but you weren’t that great to be mouthing people off in the first show. 5 out of 10.

David Cook - Happy Together (The Turtles)

Isn’t this one of the songs from Joseph and His Technicolor Dreamcoat show?Anyway, it sounded weird. Is it the offbeat temp? I just didn’t like it as much as the judges did. not at all. 4.5 out of 10.

Jason Yeager - Moon RIver (Audrey Hepburn)

This song maybe as slow as shit, and his performance may be boring as sin, but I actually liked his voice. I dunno. I’m surprised there were such venomous remarks from the judges, actually. 7 out of 10.

Robbie Carrico - One (Three Dog Night)

Okay, that came across more of a Bucky than a Bo. At this point of the show, I was almost in tears and so not impressed with this batch of guys. 4 out of 10.

David Archuleta - Shop Around (The Miracles)

I’m sre this guy has a HUGE fanbase already. Personally I think he’s okay, but I’m not overly impressed. Turn the doe-eyed visuals off and you can almost tell that a child is singing. Not my favorite, but I’m sure he’s a lock for the Final Five, at least. 6 out of 10.

Danny Noriega - Jailhouse Rock (Elvis Presley)

OMG it’s Betty’s nephew-clone! The swagger and the ‘tude. Oh my. I am kinda torn. He’s like Sangina, but can actually carry a tune somewhat. God help me. 5.5/10 (that +0.5 point for the diva headsnap he gave to Simon)

Luke Menard - Everybody’s Talkin (Fred Neil)

Yet another boring as shit performance. His voice is actually decent, but the performance was just dull, dull, dull. In fact, the only thing interesting about his segment was a shot of his wife giving a quick slap on his ass when he got the golden ticket. Worst song choice ever. 3.5 out of 10.

Colton DeGeneres - Suspicious Minds (Elvis Presley)

I loved his Ellen reference. It was actually kinda funny. But this isn’t Last Comic Standing. I wasn’t expecting to like his performance, but it was actually quite okay. Plus I actually like this song. 6 out of 10.

Garret Haley - Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (Neil Sedaka)

Holy Austin Power, it’s Heather Graham-lite! Okay, his voice was okay, but I have slight problems distinguishing if it’s a male or a female voice. The snooze of a performance definitely didn’t help either. 4.5 out of 10.

Jason Castro - Daydream (The Lovin’ Spoonful)

The dreadlocks are cool and I was totally hooked within the first line of his performance. Excellent song choice and excellent call with playing the guitar. He’s like a slightly youthful sounding Jack Johnson. The best of the night so far. 7.5 out of 10.

Michael Johns - Light My Fire (The Doors)

I loved his rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody during the Hollywood auditions and his performance tonight proved to the others that he is definitely one of the guys to beat in this competition. 8 out of 10.

You know what? I can’t really be arsed to watch the final 2 tonight cause I’ve got dinner plans with a long time pal from out of town. I might catch the 11:30 pm rerun tonight, but don’t think I’ll be making any other entries on The Final 2 performances tonight, so I’ll just borrow SurvivorLDog93’s excellent Play By Play over from the Survivor Sucks forum.

If you can’t wait to watch the show, look it up on youtube. I’m sure the clips will appear on there soon enough. Otherwise, you can listen to the MP3s at Rickey’s website (Here’s for Jordin’s performances, and here’s for Blake’s performances). Each of them sing 3 songs, and one ‘winning’ song - This Is My Now - yet another generic coronation song that will undoubtedly have cheesy lyrics with references to struggle, glory, shining, rainbows, dreams, reality, believe in yourself and all that fucking crap. I might add a few comments after (IF) I watch the show. From the feedback at the Sucks forum, it looks like Jordin’s a favourite to win. Go Jordin!

Oh and yet another reason not to watch this show tonight, Egghead Daughtry will be performing tonight. Let’s hope that means he won’t be in the spectacular finale tomorrow night, cause I will most definitely watch that.

Blake Lewis. After winning the coin toss, chose to go first.

You Give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi.

An extended beat intro, which works very well. An extended teaser right after the nicely phrased intro title line. Impressive vocal, considering who we’re listening to. And he beat-boxes his way through a phrase in the middle of the first verse. Title line, second time, a bit flat and shouty. Wisely he abandons the vocal, and beat-box-battles his way through about 8 bars with the drummer, also centerstage. Shouty ending of the title line, three times.

A 7. If it had been on pitch throughout, it might have been a 10.

Randy: I’ll give you a 10 out of 10 on the beatboxing. That was hot. The singing was just aiight.
Audience: BOO!
Paula: He’s hearing something we’re not hearing. You did far superior than at CBS. A 10 plus 10 plus 10!
Simon: Blake, you’re not the best singer in the competition, but you’re the best performer. The performance great, the singing a bit flat in the middle, you were shouting.
Audience: BOO!
Simon: But I don’t think it matters, because it was your best performance.

A standing ovation from Chris R and Phil.

Jordin Sparks.

Fighter by Christina Aguilera.

Straight hair. Attitude. Almost unintelligble lyrics to start. She does something interesting with her fingers and her hair around her temples, but vocally it’s uninteresting. The bridge, seemingly a bit off-time with the syncopated beat, although not offputtingly so. The audience is into it, as she melismizes the final line.

A 6.

Phillippi whistles through his teeth.
Audinece: JORDIN! JORDIN! :lbf
Randy: I feel like we got the great entertainer against the great singer. Not the greatest entertainment, but your voice was stellar!
Paula: This is gonna be one of the best finales ever! You were stellar! Awesome!
Simon: On a positive note, great that you chose a younger song. Because you are only 17. The vocals were shrieky in the middle.
Audience: NO!
Simon: I’m going to call Round One, to Blake.

Blake Lewis.

She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5.

Love the guitar start, with the audience clapping the beat in the background. Blake, seated on the edge of the stage, keeps it close to pitch as he delivers the proper demeanor. But he is alternately flat and sharp in spots leading into the title line, which tanks badly. False-pat ain’t his strong suit, huh? The second verse, better and sweetly delivered, but again, when he has to raise the pitch to the song, he falls short. It might have better been arranged lower, I dunno. But the second time through the falsetto is utterly painful. Break out the seat girls … it’s panic time for the voting Blakettes.

A 4.

Randy: Great song, nice vocal, man. I love when you sing naturally and pure. Very nice!
Paula: It’s good that the first number is done, and you got into the ease of the song. Very relaxed.
Simon: Uh, it was good, it was safe. Not as good as the first performance. I wouldn’t have chosen that song in the final, because it doesn’t make much of an impact.

Jordin Sparks.

Broken Wing by Martina McBride.

Comparisons aplenty available here: Diana DeGarmo and Jessica Sierra come to mind. Oooooh! Let’s put Daddy the NFL football player into the video right before we sing a song about an abusive daddy. Irony much? Okay, now for the song. Even the introductory humming sounds crappy tonight; sounded flat to me. Singing seated, I like the delivery of the first few lines, though, right on target. She stands mid-phrase, and puts the mic into the stand. The title line is powerfully delivered, and the intonation is good here. She freestyles it down the stretch as the backup singers take over the melody. But honestly? Something was missing.

A 7 or an 8. Take your pick. I’m giving it a Whatevia.

Randy: I still believe you’re still the most talented 17 year old singer. Flawless. Unbelievable. Better than the original.

:eyes :eyes :eyes

Paula: You look adorable. You are in great, great vocal voice tonight.
Simon: Now THAT was good!

Blake Lewis: This Is My Now.

Well, I remember the way the writers (who were just introduced to us) did it on the Idol website. But you know what? Blake hooked me right from the giddyup. Seated, side-saddle, with a blue background. He looks up, skyward, as if he’s looking to a higher power. (And to pull this song off, he’ll need one.) Actually palatable during the tltle line, though he quickly falls a quarter-tone flat for the bridge. Then he starts dancing like Chris Timberfake. Ugh. And what’s with the checkerboard/scarecrow looking glittervest? :lbf I was afraid this would happen; second time through the title line, it’s boring me senseless. Don’t blame it on me. *I* didn’t vote for this song. Even the final title line wobbles and falls short. Is he giving up?

:lbf

A 5.

Randy: I’m sure this isn’t the kind of song that fits your voice. But you don’t have to feel bad about it.

:eyes

Paula: I think you did a great job with the song.
Simon: I thought it was a little odd. How did you feel? Jumping around in the middle, you looked frustrated. We have to judge you tonight on your first two performances.
Audience: Polite applause.
Simon: I always said, “There’s talent in Seattle.” And I was right.

Jordin Sparks: This Is My Now.

Ryan: It’s the 17-year old’s last song of the night!

:eyes

I liked Blake’s start much better. This is pitchy and breathy. But she has greater vocal skills to call upon, and the audience is clearly behind her, having shrieked already. The song was written for Jordin, right? Oh.Gawd. Please. Not.The.Insipid.Waving.From.The.Audience.

:eyes

She misses a note here and there, but it’s much better sung than Blake’s version. I liked his interpretation better, but hers sounds like a coronation song. Even the glory note hits pretty close to home. Yeah, some pitch issues and some overacting here, but the coronation song goes to Jordin. At least until she *gags* on the final line.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!

A 6.

Randy: You know what’s great about this show? It’s about the search for the next superstar. The best singing competition in the history of television. You were the best singer! You deserve it! YOU ARE WHAT IT IS ABOUT!
Paula: You frickin make me proud. I see your parents singing with you. You have a lot to be proud of. You are an angel.
Simon: Jordin, last week, I’mma be honest with you. I didn’t think you were good enough to make the finals. I was wrong. Because this is, in case we forget sometimes, a singing competition. You wiped the floor with Blake on that song.

It’s the Final Three and I’m not as excited as I should be. I have no idea why though (don’t tell me because Sangina was voted out) so let’s get this on the way. Three finalists, three song choices each.

Jordin

Judge’s (Simon’s) Pick - Wishing On A Star (Rose Royce)
The first half of Jordin’s performance was wafer thin. I had always imagined that this genre would be Jordin’s forte. She sounded pretty good, but to tell you the truth, I very much prefer the original version. And I can’t believe she has never heard of this song before.. pffft. 7 out of 10.

Producer’s Pick - She Works Hard For The Money (Donna Summer)
It was good but lacks a certain je ne sais quoi (chewah!). This would have worked so much better if she had worn a waitress costume during this performance (if you were a child of the 80s, you would know what I’m talking about). Jordin’s performance was just alright. It didn’t blow me away. 6 out of 10.

Jordin’s Pick - I (Who Have Nothing) (Shirley Bassey)
It was good but I personally thought she sounded a lot better when she first sung this song a few weeks ago. 8 out of 10.

Judge’s (Paula’s) Pick - Roxanne (The Police)
I was never a fan of this song but I shouldn’t take it out on Blake. He should take pointers from my baby girl Dilana though. Blake sang that song pretty well and it was actually mildly entertaining. I’m guessing it was because of the lack of the bleat boxing. 7 out of 10.

Producer’s Pick - This Love (Maroon 5)
I am sick to my fucking stomach of this overplayed song. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely loved this song when I first heard it… until the local radios picked it up and played it to fucking death. That said, for an easy song, Blake’s vocals were absolutely hideous, but then again America’s interpretation of “Idol” might be different than mine, so he might sail through this one. 5 out of 10.

Blake’s Pick - When I Get You Alone (Robin Thicke)
Aside from the final 15 seconds, that was a total mess and totally all over the pace. He may be a great performer, and I’m sure he’ll give one helluva live concert, but he’s just not my cuppa tea. 6 out of 10.

Melinda

Judge’s (Randy’s) Pick - I Believe In You And Me (Whitney Houston)
Melinda’s no Whitney but that was pretty good. She did some amazing vocals near the end of the song but the rest was just okay, in my opinion. 7 out of 10.

Producer’s Pick - Nutbush City Limits (Ike & Tina Turner)
I was too distracted by the hideousness that was the combo of her hairstyle and the rags that she was wearing. 6 out of 10.

Melinda’s Pick - I’m A Woman
Loved it. L.O.V.E.D. IT. 9 out of 10.

I’m not even going to venture a guess as to who’s going tomorrow night. I won’t be surprised with whatever’s the outcome, but my personal preference, I would love to see Melinda and Jordin in the Finals. Not that it matters, cause it’s a sure bet all these three will get recording contracts after this show is over.

ps. why the FUCK am I watching this filthy shit of a reality show called House of Carters on E! ? And I thought Growing Up Gotti was bad.

I laughed out loud when they showed Judge Judy in the audience. Can this show get any trashier? LOL I didn’t think so. And then they had to show us the cheesy Bee Gees music videos from the 18th century. What were people thinking. So this is Bee Gees week and Barry Gibb was on hand to help tutor the finalists. I never realized he had a lisp. Anyway, I think this is hands down the most disappointing Final Four performances ever. I don’t get it. The Finalists that we have are really good, but their performances tonight? Well, if I knew it was going to suck this much, I’d rather watch my cats lick their crotch (it’s hypnotizing).

Melinda - Love You Inside Out

I’m not crazy over her performance but you can kinda see that she’s now feeling really comfortable on stage. Other than that, it was typical Melinda. It was good but I would’ve enjoyed it a lot more if she chose a different song. What a wasted opportunity. 5 out of 10.

Melinda - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Possibly the most boring Melinda night ever. I’m disappointed. This was the time for her to wow us all (as if she hasn’t), but I’m starting to have doubts if she can really pull a win. It was a very boring and dull song choice. Bad, bad Melinda. And NO, the song ending did not buy me over. Boo. 5 out of 10.

Blake - You Should Be Dancing

This should’ve been Blake’s week to shine. The theme is right up his alley. You don’t need to be a vocal powerhorse to excel in this genre, and he has the beatboxing to edge him over the others. It was good, but again, nothing new from Blake. I thought the beatboxing kinda worked… cause discos and turntables go together. 6 out of 10.

Blake - This Is Where I Came In

There was a reason why this song originally wasn’t a hit for the Gibbs, and Blake helped us understand the reason why. The song sucked mucho. What a mess. And I realized that I can only sit through ONE Blake beatboxing performance. The one that he did with this song was just overkill. 5 out of 10.

LaKisha - Stayin’ Alive

It was interesting to hear her use her deep voice for this song. To tell you the truth, after Melinda’s and Blake’s first performances, I was already bored to tears, and LaKisha was not helping (despite what could’ve been a kick ass performance with a kick ass song). 5 out of 10.

LaKisha - Run To Me

Good song. Good performance. And good sense of fashion tonight, thank goodness. I didn’t expect LaKisha to pick up from her first performance but ths was not half bad. One of the better performances of the night, although that’s not saying a lot. At all. And the snafu at the end was forgivable. 7 out of 10.

Jordin - To Love Somebody

Urgh finally. Thank you Jordin. And such great praise from Barry Gibb too. Jordin needs really good performances to get to the Final Two, and she’s not well known for being consistent. But if she continues to pull off a string of performances like that, then everything’s good. 8 out of 10.

Jordin - Woman In Love

She knows how to do this. Pick recognizeable songs that the audience know, instead of some obscure rejected nonsense that has no business being sung in public. Another great performance from Jordin. If she keeps this up for the next two weeks, then ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you the next American Idol : Jordin Sparks. 7.5 out of 10.

Some obligatory rant before I start. This has to be one of the worst day off from work ever. First off I was woken up at 2 am with someone telling me that the credit card transactions at the pump stations are unmatched. Then at 3 am, the database crashed. It crashed yet again at 8 am. This just HAD to happen on my day off from work. Then my nasi lemak conveniently slipped from the dining table and fell on the floor, which rendered me breakfastless after my very rude awakening. Then I discovered my car battery was flat cause I had accidentally left the car lights on for the past 20 hours. And to top it all off, I got lost in Dengkil after the car was fixed (cause if you’re not heading to KLIA and you can measure the plane with the size of your thumb, you fucking know you’re lost). The only thing that could possibly make this even worse was the kiddiots on American Idol butchering Bon Jovial’s songs in tonight’s show (I always refer them as Bon Jovial cause Jon Bon Jovi always looks.. well jovial).

Since we’re talking about bad days, nothing could possibly top off the absolute worst day ever that happened some four years ago. I was called by the bank because one of my cheques bounced. Turned out that a certain wanker conveniently forgot to make payments into my account. So, not wanting my name to get blacklisted by Bank Negara because of someone else’s fault, I had to rectify the situation as soon as possible. In my haste, I had an accident on the Federal Highway. Quelle surprise. I had accidentally rammed into and made a minor dent (the size of my wenis’ girth.. yeah not that big.. wait… hang on) into a lawyer’s (out of all human race possible) BMW - which costed me about RM800 in repairs, and totally wrecked my driver’s door - which actually costed me much much less (Thank God no one was hurt, as I managed to swerve to avoid a full on collision).

Oh no, it doesn’t stop there. After all the mess was sorted out, I went back home and sighed a huge sigh everything was all over. I couldn’t be more wrong. Relieved that everything was over, I went to my bedroom, dropped my car keys, my wallet and stripped right down to my underwear (this has to be said) to.. you know relax and take a huge breather in my living room. To my horror, a huge gust of wind slammed the bedroom door shut and locked it (the lock was faulty). So there I was, (almost) stark naked in my living room, and it wasn’t even noon yet. I’ll be damned if I wanted to wait for my housemate to return home (who incidentally was away till the weekend). Thankfully some of my clothes were hanging in the laundry area. I got my shirt on, but NO pants! I had to resort to borrowing my housemate’s shorts. His size is about a 28-30″ waist, and I’ve got like.. I dunno.. 64″ inches all around? So no surprise there that I couldn’t zip the pants (I got my legs through, thank goodness). I couldn’t zip up the shorts, not all the way up, but not at all. Thankfully, my shirt was a bit oversized so it covered, what could’ve been, my wenis flogging out for the public to see. (Yes you can imagine how tiny the shorts was to have my dingly dangly bits dangling out like no one’s business. Then I had to trudge two kilometres on foot under the hot afternoon sun (with wenis dangerously exposed should a huge gust of wind appear out of nowhere) to Taipan USJ to get a locksmith to come to my rescue. Yeah. Worse day ever. You can’t make that shit up even if you wanted to.

Okay enough self-pity. Tonight’s theme for American Idol - Bon Jovi songs. Woohoo! I’m eagerly waiting what Dan will have to say about tonight’s performances. And I see Gina Glockson in the audience *sniff* She would’ve rocked it tonight.

Phil - Blaze Of Glory

One of my all time favourite Bon Jovi songs and thankfully Phil brought that song justice. That was easily his best performance to date. I had high hopes for this song and he didn’t disappoint. If I have to find a flaw in that performance, I’ll have to say that his voice was missing a bit of the raw edgeiness, but that’s totally forgiveable. He could prove a surprise and end up in the Final Three. 8.5 out of 10.

Jordin - Livin’ On A Prayer

Wow. I loved the Chaka Khan hairdo. The performance was.. well, commendable. Far from her best. Parts of it, especially the chorus, was excruciating. I have come to the conclusion that Jordin is this season’s McPhee. They both got the looks and the X-Factor to win this competition, but hey are far from consistent. She’s on thin ice this week, and she knows it. Such a shame. 5 out of 10.

LaKisha - This Ain’t A Love Song

I’m not even gonna start on her wardrobe this week. If I didn’t know Bon Jovi, I never would’ve guessed this was their song. LaKisha made this song her own. I didn’t think this diva could pull off a Bon Jovi song, not in a million years, but she proved me wrong. She picked it up real good towards the end without overdoing it. One of the most enjoyable LaKisha performances to date, for me personally. Bravo! 7.5 out of 10.

Blake - You Give Love A Bad Name

I was wary of his impending techno take on this song, but I thought the beat boxing worked well in that performance, although I think there were moments that I think he overdid it. Come on. Sing already, dammit. And I don’t like the fact that Blake softens up all the songs that he sings to compromise with his beat boxing, even this one during the verses. Meh. I don’t know. Part of me loved the performance, but part of me hated him for trying to change to much. 7.5 out of 10.

Chris - Dead Or Alive

OMG I can’t get past his ‘nasally is a form of singing’ voice during the rehearsals. He puts the capital N in Nasal. And capital A, S, A and L too. I wasn’t even gonna bother sitting through his actual performance (seriously, why bother), but I did (I’m such a sucker). It didn’t make me wanna kill myself, but it falls between ‘disastrous’ to ‘fuck me my ears are bleeding’ categories. 4 out of 10. And did Semencrust actually refer to him as Timberlake? *gag to all three of them*

Melinda - Have A Nice Day

At first, she does remind me of Tina Turner. Then reminds me of Janet Jackson during her whole Black Cat stint. But the more I listen to the performance, the more I think she was plain shrieking throughout the song to make her voice sound ‘rough’er. Le sigh. Well she tried her best, I guess. I loved her ‘tude on stage though. Well unless she pulls a major snafu like Dilana in Rockstar Supernova, Melinda already has this competition in the bag, so I’m not overly worried for her this week. 6 out of 10.

All in all, a pretty decent night considering rock is not for everybody, and half of the people left are divas. Since we had a free pass competition this week, tomorrow we wil see two singers cut from the show. I wouldn’t mind seeing LaKisha get cut, but Chris really needs to go. I think Phil and Jordin is also on the bubble tonight, so we’ll see. I don’t care who goes as long as Melinda stays in the competition. Go PRINCESSFIONA!!! <3 Melinda <3

This was “Idols Give Back” week, and the Coldplay song that they played in the intro was very off putting and pretty much set the tone for the entire night for me. Somber, boring, unoriginal and dreadful. The entire “your vote will save lives” bit was beyond cheesy. I know it’s for a good cause, but how much will $5 million make a difference to people in Africa, AND America? It’s insignificant, and for American Idol to pull this off.. I don’t know.. I feel very indifferent and suspect at the whole thing. It’s nothing more than a shameless marketing ploy to boost their ratings. Sorry, but this is not Live Aid. THAT actually made a difference. The theme for tonight is “Songs That Inspire”, and their mentor this week was Bono (which surprisingly wasn’t shown at all during tonight’s show).

Chris - Change The World (Eric Clapton)

I’m sorry in advance if you like this guy, but this guy is bullshit. I still can’t get past his “nasally is a form of singing” comment from last week. That warrants a What The Fuck? (not just the initials WTF.. but the full fledged What The Fuck.. there, I’ve said it twice). The most retarded thing to have ever come out of any creature’s bodily orifice on national television ever. That aside, his performance tonight was not entirely disastrous. But listening to the judges comments.. whatever the hell they were smoking tonight, I want some of it. I honestly do not get the overly pimping for this Timberfake wannabe. Dude needs to go home soon. 5.5/10

Melinda - There Will Come A Day (Faith Hill)

Melinda was in top form again tonight, but I doubt anyone is surprised. I wasn’t particularly excited for the performance though. Was it the song? Was it the overall theme for tonight? I don’t know but at the very least she gave me a reason not to entirely regret watching this show tonight. And I’m really glad her innocent doe-eyed expressions are gone. Thank fuck. 7/10

Blake - Imagine (John Lennon)

Meh.. the performance was just okay for me. I’m pretty sure I will be branded as a none compassionate asshole for saying this, but personally I’ve always thought this song was a tad overrated. OoOoOoOoOooooh. The song really is just so simple, and “it isn’t hard to do” indeed. Simon, I beg to differ. Jennifer Hudson belted this song out, and it worked just right for her. I’m really surprised and annoyed that none of the judges called Blake out for pulling a ’safe’ performance at this stage in the competition. In hindsight, I think Blake choosing this song says a lot about him, because like the song itself, they are both incredibly simple, transparent and overrated. 5.5/10

Lakisha - I Believe (Mantasia)

Will she stop fucking singing every past Idol songs? It was Carrie’s Jesus last week. Now it’s Mantasia’s I Believe. What next? Kelly’s Behind These Hazel Eyes? Will she do a retarded backflip like that gray haired half-wit from last season? And whoa… that performance was bad. Like someone on the boards had mentioned, unlike her heaving bosoms (which much like Mona Lisa’s eyes - it draws your eyes wherever they go), the performance was incredibly flat. Hell, Diana did a hell lot better than this. That pretty much says how bad this performance was. Truly abyssimal. Dude, stick a fork in her cleavage, LaKisha is DONE with this show. And on an unrelated note, she kinda reminds me of Ursula from The Little Mermaid with that longblack dress. Ursulakisha. Heh. 5.5/10

Phil - The Change (Garth Brooks)

I’ve always thought Phil had the best male vocals this season. And that is so incredibly evident in tonight’s show. Not because he sang really really well, but rather due to the fact that the other two guys sucked donkey balls. The performance wasn’t half bad. I actually kinda enjoyed it a little. I’m not sure, however, why the Vote For The Worst crew are now lobbying for him (they have dubbed him as NosPhilratu - Penis With Fangs LOL) now that Sangina is gone (Thank Fuck part 2) because Phil is far from the worst in this competition. OH well, whatever works. I’m not complaining. Much. 7/10

Jordin - You’ll Never Walk Alone (from the musucal Carousel)

Randy, that was NOT the most awesome American Idol performance in all six seasons ever or whatever. It was a beautiful, haunting performance, but not as great as he’s making it out to be (much as I love Jordin). It was not flaless, but definitely one of the best performances of the night (although that’s really not saying much with the group that we have left). I’d be hella surprised if Jordin and Melinda doesn’t make it to the Final Two this year. 7/10

All in all, a pretty weak night, in my opinion, considering we are whittled down to the final six already. This really has been a bad week for television, hasn’t it? The Amazing Race on Monday was pretty much lackluster. The Apprentice LA Finale was SHIT. As in really bad diarrhea SHIT. As in, the worst finale of a reality show program in all seasons in the history of broadcasting television ever. As in, the show has proved to be nothing more than a “Worship Me” by that balding fucker Trump and his pig faced Junior (Ivanka is hot though.. I’m pretty sure she was adopted or has been at least genetically modified). As in, I hope the show will never ever be renewed ever again. As in, I wanted to kill myself for investing 14 week’s worth of downloading that crap of a show.

Okay, can someone please help me pull this ginormous stick out from my ass?

On a brighter note, Heroes has started showing again this week. Huzzah! And Survivor.. OMG OMG OMG. Best episode in a long long long long time. In like.. OMG. OMG! I am still positively orgasming over what happened last week. O.M.G. The show absolutely redefined the term “PWNED”. I fucking love it.

Country Night. Woohoo! I’ve only recently started to really listen to country music (thanks to the exposure from American Idol, no thanks to local radio stations that keep spewing filth and whatevere fuck that is on top of the US mainstream charts). I love the vocals that usually come along with country music.. the twangs and the lentoks. I don’t know if it’s a personal preference, but I do think most of country music.. they’re basically just great songs with great melodies (which are sorely missing in a lot of so called ‘mainstream’ ‘music’ nowadays).

Phil - Where The Blacktop Ends (Keith Urban)

He sounded like ass in the rehearsals but he ain’t half bad with the actual performance. That said, I do think he has over extended his stay in the competition and will not be surprised if he’s the next one to go. And he’s still kinda fugly with that goofy grin and caterpillar brows. 7 out of 10.

Jordin - A Broken Wing (Martina McBride)

Ahh bring back memories. One of my favourite performances by Diana DeGarmo. This would’ve been hard to top off. She sounded a lot more R&B than she did sounding country in the verses. Her bridge was weak. The chorus was okay. I keep comparing to Diana’s and it kinda pales in comparison, although it was still pretty good. Not good enough though, I didn’t think it was all that great, but I do appreciate the judges giving her those superb comments. And I do want her (and/or Melinda) to win this. 6.5 out of 10.

Sangina - Something To Talk About (Bonnie Raitt)

I absolutely <3 Bonnie Raitt. And fuck me, I actually kinda like Sangina this week (although at first I thought it was Nadia Turner who turned up on stage). Okay, I may like him.. but just a little. Okay another way to put it is I didn't exactly feel compelled to shove two gigantic dildos into my ears to block the noise. It was... not THAT bad, and for sure not as horrendous as the judges pointed out (I think Sangina's had tonnes more worse performance, and I think the judges are just fed up with the VoteForTheWorst campaign). And I absolutely want Simon Cowell's baby for putting that asshole Semencrust in his place, and telling him to shut the bloody fuck up. Sometimes.. well most of the time, it's just annoying Ryan. Go molest some tween boys or something. EXTREME RYAN SEMENCRUST HATRED! 4.5 out of 10.

LaKisha - Jesus, Take The Wheel (Carrie Underwood)

Not a fan, but I thought LaKisha sang that quite well. Loved the country twang (something that was just not evident in Jordin’s performance)… but.. okay.. I wrote that one too soon. The chorus was truly horrible. She was just plain shouting everything after the initial verse. And the sudden change of tone in her voice.. from the verse to the bridge to the chorus.. that was all very wrong. Ick. I didn’t like it, and I definitely won’t shed a tear if she goes out tomorrow (oh please, I don’t wanna jinx it and say I want Sangina out tomorrow, even though that’s what I really want). 6 out of 10.

Chris - Mayberry (Rascall Flatts)

I dunno. I’m drawing a blank over here. He’s got that slight country twang that sounded right in certain places but.. I don’t know. I think overall, the entire performance was messy. I’d give Sangina the edge over this. His melody was just all over the place. I DO think that country music will tell you if a singer is versatile enough, and sadly, Chris is not. 4.5 out of 10.

Melinda - Trouble Is A Woman (Julie Reeves)

Okay tonight, I truly think Melinda could actually win this competition. I already know vocally, she’s the best, since Day One but I had doubts if she can actually pull this off (cause let’s face it, appearance wise, she’s no Beyonce), but I think unlike Elliot Yamin aka Monkey Boy, America will be more forgiving this time around. She sang that flawlessly. Absolutely flawless. 8.5 out of 10.

Blake - When The Stars Go Blue (Tim McGraw)

That was not country. That was pop. That was bad. Disappointing. And I can’t believe the unfair overpimping by the judges. Most overrated singer in this competition. (I still like his taste in music though). 4 out of 10.

Oh yes! Before I forget, the founder of VoteForTheWorst campaign, Dave Della Tersa, or otherwise known as thefunnystone to the Sucks family, was interviewed by David Letterman. Here’s a clip and it’s a pretty good interview too! I loved his shout out to Survivor Sucks message board. I only wish I had done the same when I helped Mirna during the task “MIRNA, SUCKSTERS LOVE YOU!!!” lol

Gwen Stefani, Jenniffer Lopez. These people are smart to jump in on the American Idol bandwagon. Well, it’s free publicity mah! At least the producers got it right with Jenniffer Lopez with Latin night. But Gwen for No Doubt and People Who Inspired Them night? What a crock of pig shit. At least do a proper NO DOUBT night or.. Pop Night.. ni tak.. asal boleh No Doubt and People Who Inspired Them Night. Sorry I know that was two weeks ago, but I still can’t stand Gwen. Fake Madonna wannabe. Ick. Anyway, tonight’s Latin night, and chances are she’ll be singing one of her new songs tomorrow night. Nice marketing there.

Melinda - Sway (Dean Martin)

She’s coming out of her shell which is kinda cool. But she better snap out of the whole “I’m an innocent little lamb” crap cause that’s gonna get old real fast. I liked her performance, but what a surprise eh? I didn’t think she was sexy or sulty but she worked that song real good. And I loved her retort to Simon’s comment too. 8 out of 10.

Boobkisha - CoNGa (Gloria Estefan)

Wow. Much admiration from me for taking a chance with this really fast number. But interestingly enough, I thought her vocals were horribly weak during the verses, and very nice with the chorus. Weird. It shoulda been the other way round. Oh well. 6.5 out of 10

Chris - Smooth (Santana)

I could live the rest of my life never listening to this overrated and overplayed song being played ever again. Seriously. And song choice aside, I thought the entire performance was pretty much Chris. In other words, terribly average. I don’t think he can possibly be any better though - and that’s not a compliment. 5 out of 10.

Haley - Turn The Beat Around (Gloria Estefan)

She should thank her lucky stars for those slender long legs, cause that’s what keeping her in this competition. That was ultra sumbang and practically all over the place. Diana Degarmo pulled this one alright, so there’s no reasons why she didn’t. And Simon’s advise? Now that’s brutal honest for ya. 3 out of 10.

Phil - Maria Maria (Santana)

I stil think Phil’s got one of the best male vocals this season, but that didn’t come across at all in his performance tonight.  And he is severely lacking the X-factor. I mean, even Melinda has mountain folds compared to this boring dud. His performance was a total snoozefest. 2 out of 10.

Jordin - Rhythm Is Gonna Get You (Gloria Estefan)

Major kudos for her for loving 80s music (in fact that’s what I wrote in my TARA2 application form. Favourite music? 80s Retro. Woohoo! Long live long haired bands and good old cheesy bubble gum pop!) Was Jordin a little out of breath? Anyway, one of her better performances, but I’m not totally going crazy over it. 7 out of 10.

Blake - I Need To Know (Marc Anthony)

That was actually pretty hot. He didn’t fuck up the vocals, and he showed some moves on stage. I suddenly have a sinking feeling that he might be an actal threat to Melinda/Jordin in the finals. Damn.. this guy might actually win this shit. 8 out of 10.

Sangina - whateverfucksong

Sorry. I wasn’t concentrating. It’s just that everytime I see his face, my hands automatically go into bitchslap mode. Why won’t this bitch just leave? Urgh.. fuck you idiotic American tweens who keeps voting for him. And fuck you VoteForTheWorst. (This is really the worst by far). -unrated-

In a dream world, Sangina would be long gone by tomorrow but I’m guessing it’s time for Hailey or Phil to go. We’ll see.