Culturally Preconditioned

I should make an entry on the recent Festival Filem Malaysia, but here’s a much more interesting post on that subject. Even though I think Gubra is a beautifully shot movie, I think it’s a tad overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that it won this year’s award but I can’t help but feel that the critics are undoing their wrongs for their harsh criticism of Sepet winning last year. Whatever. Yay for Yasmin.. I hope she continues to make great movies.. but I honestly did not enjoy Gubra as much. Gol and Gincu should’ve clinched it (I have no idea why this particular blog entry wasn’t imported from blogger when I migrated to wordpress), but hey what do I know?

Since we’re on the subject of movies, I thought it would be appropriate to post yet another Shit List. This time.. Top 10 Shit List of Cinema Goers.

10. Queue jumpers

I don’t usually have a problem with this as I usually book or buy my tickets in advance so that I can avoid the entire queue for purchasing tickets. But queue jumpers at the cinema are a different breed than the queue jumping motherfuckers at the LRT station. These folks would hover around at the beginning of the queue and pester the queueing folks to help buy their tickets. Whatever. I don’t mind these assholes as much since it would take.. what 15 seconds off my waiting queue? And they have to put on a thick face when asking these ‘favours’, not me. But they’re still jerkoffassholes anyway.

9. People who can’t sit still

You know these types… those who shake their legs, those who kick the seats in front of them for no apparent reasons. Of course, there’s also people who actually can not sit still, literally. Folks who fall into this categories include those who need to frequent the bathroom, those who need to go buy more food/drinks again and again and again, and those who need to answer their phone calls once in every 5 minutes (at least they are courteous enough to get the hell out of the hall). Unfortunately 85% of the time, these same group of people are not smart enough to choose the aisle seat, and it seems like they just HAVE to seat in the middle seat every damn time.

8. Latecomers

You know you’re already late… but is there a need to annoy the shit out of everyone already sitting comfortably in their seats? Must you stand still in the middle of aisle for at least 1 minute so that you can block the screen with your ginormous head/hand/chest/bodyparts ? Inconsiderate fuckers. There is NO such thing as fashionably late.

7. Indecisive Jerks

You get these fuckers at the ticket queue, and also at the concessionaries.. all the bloody time. And it’s always YOU who’s next in line, which makes waiting and listening to tehri annoying indecisivenes so much more painful. Some people can be so goddamn inconsiderate by making other people in the queue wait longer than necessary. Make up your bloody mind in advance next time, please.

“You nak popcorn large ke medium”
“mmm.. I tak nak popcorn la”
“Abis you nak apa… jagung?”
“emmmmm (5 minute pause)”
“I nak beli twisties la”
“you jangan beli yang cheese ye”
“nak flavour apa?”
“emmmmm (3 minute pause)”
“Air? Nak coke?”
“Banyak gula lah”
“Mineral water?”
“emmmm.. (2 minute pause)… mahal la mineral water dia”
“Nak jus?”
“emmmm (eternity pause)”

goddamnshitmuthafuckmakeupyofuckingmindalreadyyoufuckingbiatch.

6. Noisy eaters

Ohmigod. Given the choice between having a partner who’s a noisy eater and a partner who’s got a body odour, I’d probably have to choose the latter (not really, if I really HAD to choose between the two, I’d probably throw myself in front of a speeding train). But come on! Noisy eaters.. in a cinema. How fucking loud can you possibly be to earn such a title? And they ALWAYS wait until the suspenseful scenes to open that pack of Twisties, slurp their sodas and chomp on their popcorns. Not only it is the most disgusting habit one can possibly have but it’s also a Bloody mood killah.

5. SMS texting BITCH

This cunt needs her own category. Yeah I know.. I know.. sending an sms in the cinema is not that bad. Nu-uhhh… you can’t be more wrong, girlfriend. *snap*. First of all, the glare off the handphone is just a few brightness level lower than enough to clinically blind your eyes in the cinema. Secondly, when someone texts vigorously as loud as typing on a keyboard, it ain’t so cute. Thirdly, all this megabitch does is send a text message, waits a minute, gets a reply, vigourously sends back, waits a minute, gets a reply, repeat. I swear to GOD she did this for a close 25 minutes straight, and all the time she was looking at her bloody handphone (even when she was waiting for the SMS). GODDAMMIT woman, if it’s so important, get out of the bloody cinema and make a bloody call. You aren’t even watching the fucking movie. All you’re doing is trying to blind everyone within a 10 seat radius of your annoying cellphone.

4. People who talk on the phone

Why can’t these people get it through their ultra thick skull that you’re not supposed to talk on your phone in the cinema? What are those Nokia reminders for? Comedic value? Assholes. I mean, I get that sometimes you NEED to answer your phone, but can’t you get out of the hall and do it? Or if you HAVE to answer the phone, can you just say a short word like “later” or “not now” or “cinema” and hang up and return their calls? Then there’s also people who ‘whisper’ through the phone. Damn it people. I HATE PEOPLE WHO WHISPER THROUGH THEIR PHONE. It seriously is more loud than saying something in a low voice. Whispering = high decibles. Idiots. There’s also people who need to explain to their callers that they’re in the cinema. Again and again and again.

“Sapo tu? Aku kat waye. Kat waye.. Ha ah.. dale waye. Ye. dah lama stak dah. Jap lagi aku tubik. Aaahh dok abih lagi nih. Aaa okay okay. Aaah nanti call balik”

MOTHERFUCKERS! There’s also people who actually carry on with their full length conversations. I, of course, wish horrible accidents to fall upon these assholes once the movie is over.

3. Ringing handphones

Is this more annoying than number 4 ? Actually yes, because it happens more often. Some people are quick to realize that they didn’t mute the handphones. Yeah, it could be an honest mistake (but how many reminders do you need, really), but most of these people would quickly stop the ringing tone upon realizing their mistake. Then, there’s always exceptions. There will be people who will have their phone ringing more than at least twice throughout the show, and they can’t even be bothered to turn it on to vibrate mode. WTF people? And that’s not even the worse thing. They’d usually let their phone ring for more than 10 seconds (10 seconds is a LOOOOOONG duration for a fucking ring tone). Do they think I enjoy listening to Linkin Park or some Bollywood ring tones while I’m watching a movie? For fuck’s sake!!

2. People who talk

More often than not, these category falls exclusively to couples.

“You terkejut ke tadi..?”
“Mana ada I terkejut?”
“kenapa you terkejut?”
“Benci lah you ni… *giggles*”

Goddamnbitchplease!!!! And then there’s always people trying to explain stuff.

“Kenapa dia bunuh pompuan tu?”
“You tak paham ke?”
“Ye la.. apa motif dia”
“Pompuan tu sebenarnye *blablabla*”
“Oh ye ke..”
“You ni tu pun tak paham”
“Benci lah you ni… *giggles*”

Don’t that make you wanna club their heads together? But the worst kind has GOT to be people actually SPOILING the movie for you.

“Aaah you tengok eh.. kejap lagi dia ni kena bunuh”
“Ye ke? I tak nak tengok la… takut”
“Aah ahh.. you tengok tu.. kejap lagi killer tu keluar dari dalam van”
“Eeee tak nak tgk”
“You takut ke? Meh sini…”
“Eee gatal la.. benci la you ni… *giggles*”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh.. someone fucking rape and kill me right now please!!!

1. Kids

Seriously. I hate going to the movies and have little fucking brats spoil it for me. I give exceptions to animated movies, but even then there’s a limit. Why do people bring in two-years olds (and even baby cribs) into the cinema hall is beyond me. I know it’s the parents who want to watch the show (I saw someone bring in a baby crib during “The Break Up” recently), but how selfish and cheap can you be dragging in an infant into a movie that they wouldn’t even begin to understand? Get a fucking babysitter! And when the baby starts crying, the stupid parents don’t even bother to take the baby out of the hall to console IT. Goddamn. And let’s not even talk about infants, even for ‘grown up’ kids (ages 4-12) who are simply brats that just screams attention. If you know your kids behave that way, DON’T BRING THEM INTO THE CINEMA. Hell, don’t even bring them into the public. And there’s also this one time, a mother brought in a 3 year old into the cinema to watch Harry Potter (seriously, what can a 3 year old get from watching Harry Potter? And alamak… kantoi pulak tengok Harry Potter kat wayang), and the kids wants to go peepee, and the mother is too engrossed with the movie that she went ahead and ask her kid to GO FUCKING KENCING IN A FUCKING PLASTIC BAG THERE AND THEN IN THE CINEMA. WHAT IN HOLY FUCK OF FFUCKS??? True story… that’s some seriously fucked up thing to witness in the cinema. So in summation… kids and cinemas don’t go together. N. O. NO.

I’ve been toying with the idea of writing up a weekly or monthly SHIT LIST since last year, and I’m not really sure why I didn’t do it until now. Anyway, here’s a start, something that I could easily come up with since I’ve been using the train almost daily. Top 10 Shit List of LRT Users.

10. People not giving up their seats for those who need it more

Of course this applicable to young and abled people. Although it sounds like a cliche, it still happens for real and there is absolutely no way to knock some sense into these scums of society. If they’re not pretending to sleep, they’re furiously typing SMS messages on their mobile. How these folks could be so thick skinned and turn a blind eye to those who need it more, I would never know.

9. People who bruise you and do not apologize

Of course, people in group 10 would lead to these next particular group of people. People who force and shove their way either into or out of the train. You can forget the ‘excuse me’s, they’d just push people out of their way and not look back. And since we’re still in this category, I’ve also had people sticking their backpacks, umbrellas, notebooks, elbows, and various other body parts into me like a pin cushion and them not saying anything about it. And don’t even get me started on people who step on my foot unapologetically.

8. People who sit on the floor

These group of people usually consist of annoying teenager, who take their place in the middle of the trains (the connecting standing area) and sit on the floor facing each other. Not only are they obstructing the path, they’re also taking up additional space that other passengers can use.

7. People who read newspaper standing up

Reading is good, but there is a time and place to do that. I can forgive people who read a paperback, standing in a train choke full of people (except those reading Malay teenage love crap and Mills & Boone nonsense), but not those who read newspapers. Most of the times, they’d have to extend their both their arms to read the newspaper. Hello? I do not need to get printed shit shoved into my face in an already crowded and stuffy train, thank you.

6. People who take their sweet time at the counter

These are the kinds of people who takes 5 minutes to ask which train stop they need to take. An additional 2 minutes to silently think. Another 3 minutes to purchase the ticket. 2 minutes to take out his/her money. 1 minute to get the ticket. And a final 5 minutes to take back the change and neatly arrange it back into his wallet/her purse. And of course, you’d be the one behind the person at the counter while hearing 3 trains go by on the platform. Oh, this group also applies to people who rush to the exit, and only then start looking for his exit ticket furiously in his pockets, wallets, bags etc.

5. People who talk loudly

There are two kinds of people. The first one is people who talk loudly on their mobile phone. There is a reason why I never answer phone calls during my daily 40-minutes commute to work (one-way). I don’t want everyone in the train to know my business. The same can’t be said for these people. The second one, are people who have loud conversations with anotehr person in the train (applicable to groups of people too). And the absolutely worse is when you are in between the two parties. Wait, no, the absolutely worse are the goddamn chatterboxes in the early morning commute (and I’m talking about the 630 am train here). Shut the fuck up, bitches.

4. People who jumps into the train after the warning signal has gone off

Nothing beats the kiasu-ness of these people. I bet the same people are the ones who press harder on their accelerator when the traffic light is already RED on the roads (yes, RED not amber) because their behaviour is the same. Not only they are endangering themselves (there have been reports in Japan, I think, of passengers getting caught on the train door and have body parts ripped off), but more importantly, they are delaying my journey by at least 15 seconds (you know how when a person accidentally blocks the doors when it is trying to close, it re-opens and holds a few more seconds before closing again) - but I personally have experienced a delay of at least 10 minutes because of such an incident. Just wait for the next train, idiot!

3. People who takes multiple little children during rush hour

I don’t know. Little kids annoy the shit out of me in crowded places. Especially in trains. Crowded trains. Jam packed trains during rush hour. Can’t these parents take their kids on the train anytime other than those hours? Are they stupid enough not to realise it is the rush hour? It would be a whole lot more convenient for them and the rest of the train users.

2. People with BO

Ohmigod. It’s always an embarassing situation when I have to take out my hanky and slowly breathe through it. I’m sorry but I don’t know how else to be subtle in such cases. And there is this one time, that I said to myself ‘fuck this’ and moved to a different (more crowded) part of the train. I can understand people sweating and stuff on it’s a scorching day, or after they’ve been exercising and stuff. But the one thing I can’t stand are people who reek like they haven’t showered for weeks for no obvious reason. Yuck.

1. People who jump queues

Is this a Malaysian thing? I just don’t get these idiots who see two physical queues on either side of the train entrance waiting to get in, but just stand right smack in the middle of the lane. What the fuck? Are they retarted, or just plain selfish? And of course, there are those on the sidelines who feel entitled to squeeze themselves into the front of the queues. Goddamn motherfuckers. Call me what you want, but I HAVE pushed and intentionally block these people from trying to cut their way into the front of the queues - makciks, pakciks, office workers (these are the absolute worst kind), teenagers, amois, leng chais, uncles, parents, brats blablabla (it’s really the entire demographic sample). I will, however, make an exception for blind and disabled people - although I have seen in many many cases blind people actually joining the queue. The queues are there for a reason. USE IT, YOU FUCKING MORON.